So this is it. The end? Of much of my work potential.

I hate to admit this, but I’ve been using AI to attempt to find remedies for my health issues while I’m waiting on the United States Health Care System to actually give a shit about me and my needs. Because I’m desperate.

Here’s a brief history, for those of you who care:

In 2022, I developed what I thought was a typical case of Plantar Fasciitis. So I rested for a week, started taking over the counter pain relievers, and through the process of trial and error, discovered that Acetaminophen (Tylenol) doesn’t do crap to affect the amount of pain I’m in, but Ibuprofen does. I go to my doctor and he prescribes me a slow release form of NSAID (a classification of medications that Ibuprofen is a member of) and when I ran out of that, he approved 800 mg of Ibuprofen. Alright, well that was in 2022.

Because where I work, it’s a standing environment. I’m on my feet all day long. Sometimes just standing idly. Other times, I’m walking back and forth between cash registers assisting the cashier’s I’m responsible for. (The entire system needs to be optimized, but that would effectively delete my current job, and that’s a different conversation.)

Fast forward to 2026. I’ve been to my doctor several times over the past four years to discuss my foot pain. The fact that it’s not localized to only my heel (the typical pain point for Plantar Fasciitis). In fact, my entire foot hurts. The balls of my feet hurt, the arch hurts, a dull pain most of the time, but sometimes it feels like a nail piercing the sole. The top of my foot, feels like a hammer just starts smacking my foot, right below where my toes begin, and speaking of my toes, they ache too. I have lumps on the underside of my foot— scar tissue. I believe this may in fact be Plantar Fibroma. And the toe pain? That could be Gout. And this is both feet. To cope with this pain, I’ve been taking between 2,400 mg and 4,000 mg of Ibuprofen every day. Typically, the dosage is on the lower end on Saturday (my work week start), and increases towards the upper end by Wednesday. Rarely have I exceeded 4,000 mg of Ibuprofen, because when I do, despite eating, it makes my stomach nauseous. I’ve been given a topical creme that I can rub on my feet, which I do every morning, and although the package states I can do this up to four times a day, I can’t get a break from work to take off my shoes or boots, find a place private enough to disrobe my socks just to massage my bare feet for ten minutes.

My vitals are shit?

Now, you’ll notice that I’ve been dealing with this escalating pain for over four years now (it all began in April). I’ve been referred to see a Rheumatologist. I think they specialize in arthritis? But honestly, I don’t know. Because I’ve got a fuckton wrong with me. Hence why I went to the doctor most recently. You see, I’m falling asleep— in the morning on my way to work. So I went to get tested. Lots of blood labs, and come to find out, my Vitamin D is still critically deficient (18 ng/mL), despite taking 5000 IU of supplements for nine months— it was 15 ng/mL back in July Normally, this should be between 30 ng / mL and 100 ng / mL. Mine’s 18. My red blood cell count is also borderline low at like 4.27 Million uL (normally, it’s supposed to be around 4.20 M to 5.8 M)— and this is what explains why I’m so exhausted. Literally why it takes every bit of my morning energy just to get out of bed… minus the urgent crying and begging of my bladder. There’s a few other issues I have that I may get into the details in a little bit, if I remember.

Let’s talk about Vitamin D, because many people know about Vitamin C, or even Vitamin A, but Vitamin D, otherwise known as the Sunshine Vitamin, is naturally harvested from exposure to sunlight. Ha! In the modern era of office workers, very few people actually get the appropriate amount of sun exposure. Compound that with the ever looming threat of Skin Cancer and worse things those dark splotches that form on your skin from too much time on the beach. (Sorry, I’m really not trying to sound sarcastic or snarky here. I’m in a mood.) Anyway, something that I recently discovered while chatting with AI as I’m waiting for this Rheumatology doctor to approve my visit to see them, is the function of the kidneys. Yes, they filter the bad shit out of your system and turn it into urine and probably feces or something. I’m not exactly sure, I just know that there’s little delicate filters called nephrons inside there and low and behold, Ibuprofen is a moral enemy to them! This toxic substance that’s been approved and regulated by the FDA (Food and Drug Administration) destroys the filter within your kidneys. Granted, most people aren’t consuming upwards of 4,000 mg of Ibuprofen in a single day for more than a few days, let alone months— years? But a critical function of your kidneys is to metabolize Vitamin D2 into Vitamin D3 (the stuff your body needs. Your kidneys are also responsible for the production of erythropoietin, (a hormone) which tells your bone marrow to produce more red blood cells.

My tolerable Coping Mechanism…

So, with that history out of the way, I hope you see the dilemma I face. My job is causing my foot injury (or maybe I’ve had this for a long time?), which requires me to consume Ibuprofen so that I can function at said job, but that’s actually very slowly killing me. I already mentioned the foot pains. Let me tell you what the kidney mess is adding on top of this dog pile. Dizziness. Like bad vertigo. Sometimes it feels like the world is spinning, and I’ve got nothing but air to hold on to. This could also partially explain why I’m so clumsy— or the fact that my left leg is a quarter-inch shorter than my right leg, and I’ve got a lazy eye too. But I digress. In addition to the extreme exhaustion— I did mention that right? Like falling asleep on the subway AND bus on the way TO and FROM work, both directions, morning and night time. This is totally not normal, especially after a good breakfast AND coffee. (And yes, I am drinking my gallon of water every day too.) It appears that I may be borderline hypoglycemic too. But I need another doctor’s examination to determine that. One mess at a time please? But it’s not just sitting idly that I’ll fall asleep. I’m constantly exhausted, barely able to stay alert enough to function. Despite having a full seven or eight hours of sleep. I also have a problem concentrating. Like, I really enjoy writing fiction. You’ll notice that I haven’t posted anything along that venue in quite some time. First it was depression, now it’s this. I’m working on it. But anyway, I’ll write like three paragraphs and I’ll doze off. Now this could also be a simple matter of being distracted, and having chores that must be accomplished RIGHT THE FUCK NOW!, or maybe this is related to my kidney issue. Speaking of depression, guess what? Low Vitamin D levels also make depression and anxiety issues worse. Like, ever hear of the Seasonal Blues? Winter time depression? I knew I had that. Now I know way, and what may be causing it. There’s less sunlight during the winter months, hence, more depression. And I’m affected by it. This could also explain why very recently, I’ve gotten my Creative Spark back. Yes! I’m working on a fictional story. Building the characters, albeit VERY slowly. Because I get distracted or I’m falling asleep. Wah.

Anyway, I had to make a hard decision today. I can’t take any more Ibuprofen. Zero. The dizziness was too severe. I thought I was going to fall over several times, like a crazy spinner top that’s gone out of control. I can’t have that. Not in a warehouse environment where people can get hurt. And since I can’t cope with the pain by taking Ibuprofen anymore, that means that I’m going to be in severe pain tomorrow, with no remedy. In fact, the only thing that brings me relief is sitting down, barefoot.

So. I need a different job.

Preferably one where I can sit down at a desk. Tasks that involve writing, customer service, even troubleshooting and problem solving. (I’m cheap too! I only need a minimum of $40K a year, although with $50K, I can start repaying my delinquent debts that I haven’t been able to touch.) And speaking of problems, there’s a giant one in the United States of America (actually, there’s a lot, but…) That is the Job Market is in shambles. I’ve been applying for roles since 2023, and I’m not seeing any progress. I think I can count on one hand how many interviews I’ve gotten. Maybe it’s because I’m 50. I’m untouchable now? Is that it? Too experienced for my own good? Or maybe I’m not exploitable enough for most employers? Maybe it’s because I’ve seen too much shit. Yes, shit. The dark side of life. The side that forged who I am today by the flames of agony, of utter rejection, of the realization that I was actually a piece of shit of a human being. Glad I changed for the better (at least I think I did?) Hopefully?

But where can I go to find a new job quickly, urgently? Who can I beg for help? Because I’m about at my rope’s end here. The pain is nearly intolerable WITH the Ibuprofen, I can’t imagine how painful I’ll feel tomorrow evening. And I’ve still got two days after tomorrow to work. Anyway, maybe you can help me? Do you know anybody who needs a talented, mostly responsible adult who knows how to communicate fairly decently? Not to toot my own horn, but I’m really feeling desperate now. Indeed isn’t performing very well. Linked-In feels like a circle-jerk. I’m flirting with Monster now, but that’s not looking all that impressive either. Anyway, I’ll take any leads for anything that’s a legal means of generating income— just no sales. I truly suck at Sales. Like I’m the girl that can’t manage to sell a dehydrated person in the desert a glass of water— because the water’s either too warm or too clear, or I don’t know. Please help!

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A brief introduction:

This is going to showcase an on-going role play that I have on my role playing forum. Most likely, since nobody seems to be currently interested in this sort of thing there, this will be a solo perspective of my primary protagonist, Akiko Takahashi, who is an experimental prototype of the ultimate warrior that will save Humanity from annihilation against the Va'alen during the year of 3427. Anyway, Akiko is actually an acronym for a feline-humanoid weapon. Her apparent age is 14 years old, but in reality, it’s closer to about three years old. Not only is she genetically enhanced for physical combat, she’s also been altered so that she can tap into the arcane. Beyond having an innate ability of Technomancy, she also has a specialized digestive tract that allows her to process food to give her additional magical abilities temporarily. As she is nearing the completion of her specialized training, she is being prepared for her Final Examination, which she learns has a darker reason to be completed, and she doesn’t like it. So….

We begin this story as Akiko is stealing a star-fighter to run away (because what 14 year-old hasn’t at least thought about running away from home at least once during their life?). This will be a retelling of this game story mostly from her perspective (although, I may also add various NPC dialog that Akiko’s not specifically privy to for clarity).

I haven’t yet decided upon which role playing system I want to use, but I think I’ve narrowed it down to three candidates: Big Eyes Small Mouth (either Fourth or Second RETRO edition), GURPS, or Cypher System. Each of these setting-agnostic systems have strengths.

Big Eyes Small Mouth give a superior anime vibe to the game, and it’s the system I’m most familiar with. The difference between fourth and second edition is that while fourth is the most updated mechanically, and therefore grants the most options and is probably the most balanced of all the editions, the RETRO edition offers a roll under mechanic, which makes Solo and Forum play much easier to work with.

GURPS is a fantastic system that I have yet to actually try out, because it’s so detailed. It also uses a roll under mechanic, but has many, many, many options for character and campaign settings. Admittedly, I don’t quite have all the supplement books I want from GURPS to run a Space Opera.

Finally, there’s Cypher System. Another excellent system for solo play that is extremely adaptable with some reskinning work. The major benefit of this system is the Intrusion mechanic, which allows for seamless cinema modification, and a simple 1d20 roll over mechanic. I’m very tempted to start working with this system, however, I’m keeping my options open just in case other players want to hop into the game have a preference.

At any rate, I’m not too worried about the necessity of using game mechanics and random effects just yet. Most of what I need to do is to set up the opening scenes for the game, introduce the cast of the game, and the crew of the ASS Horizon, and get back into my cinematic narrative flow by gushing absurd comedy and other bizarre shenanigans for all of your to loose yourselves for a while.

So without further delay, let us begin…

The Color of Freedom: Chapter 1: Is the Grass Green?

Akiko locked the final seat restraint into position and peered outside the cockpit one final time, ensuring nobody was in the hanger bay. Her fingers hovered over the master control panel with anticipation, beads of sweat peppered her forehead underneath her neatly trimmed pink bangs.

"Primary fuel intake... release. Standard pre-engine ignition... activated...", she flipped a couple of switches.

The small fighter ship came to life with a quiet hum, as power surged through the control surfaces. Lights began glowing, illuminating various bits of information.

"Life support subsystem... engaged. Atmospheric pressure, standard. Primary offensive status, standing by. Primary defensive status, operational: Full power. Deflector shields: 100%. Navigational computer, ready for input.... entering first jump coordinates... Seven-Alpha, Niner-Tango, Four-Delta..."

Akiko took a deep breath. Her pre-flight checks were complete. All that was left to do was power up the propulsion system. It indicated it was ready, displaying a green button.

"Here goes....", she pushed the button, and the craft whirred to life with a blast of jetted air and the roar of the plasma-ion engines, it hovered a meter over the docking pad. She entered the command codes into the communications terminal to unlock the hangar entrance port, giving her coach's credentials.

Outside alarms rang as the atmosphere was decreased inside the massive bay. The doors opened, and an emergency force-field sprang to life, illuminating the opening in a soft violet glow. Moments later, the room illuminated in red lights, a buzzing alarm blared.

"Attention pilot of craft Delta-Four. Deactivate your unauthorized departure and stand down immediately!" The sound of a male's voice blared from the console.

"Lieutenant Gavner's on duty tonight. Sucks to be him." Akiko muttered to nobody and grasped the throttle control, pushing it gently toward is forward position.

The fighter began inching ahead slowly, and then quickly accelerated toward the exit window. A yellow array of lights lined the flight path along the floor just underneath the fighter, ensuring that no accidents could occur from poor visibility.

"Delta-Four! This is your last warning. Power down immediately, or you will be fired upon!"

Akiko trained her eyesight straight ahead of her, toward the stars that twinkled before her. Moments from now, she'll be relieved of her duties aboard the ASS Horizon forever. She'll start a new life, and she'll never have to worry about the consequences of the Final Examination ever again. Someday soon, if she's plotted her trajectory correctly, she'll visit home, forever. She passed through the protective force-field barrier, and continued to accelerate away from her captivity. In under one minute, she'll reach the minimum safe distance to engage her hyper-drive engines.

"Delta Four. Make peace with your defaults.", Gavner said, then turned his head, his voice not as loud, "Master Gunnery, open fire. Destroy that Star Fighter!"

"Acknowledged. Acquiring firing solution, stand by...", a robotic feminine voice replied in the background.

'Just nineteen seconds longer....', Akiko thought to herself.

"Three solutions have been identified." The voice came over the communications console.

"Fire at w--", Gavner commanded.

"HOLD!"

'That's Coach!', Akiko mentally shouted and began panicking. 'Just ten seconds left!', A countdown timer began

"Stand by for hyper-jump in ten seconds... nine....eight....seven....", the ship's computer announced.

"Akiko. I know that's you.", Lieutenant Commander Kenji Sato's rough, deep voice boomed and filled Akiko's cockpit. "Look. I don't know what the hell you're doing, or where the fuck you think you're going, but I guarantee that you're not prepared for what's out there. Come back and we'--"

"...Two...one....zero."

The transmission was cut short by the starfield being stretched into a rainbow of streaks, and then pitch black.

A bit of history:

Back in 2005, I think it was, I was browsing my local comic book shop and happened upon a new role playing game that would become an obsession: Big Eyes Small Mouth. The book I held in my hands, all 210 pages, was the beginning of the merger between two of my favorite hobbies: role playing games and anime. I was excited to find this gem, because I knew of Dungeons & Dragons, Star Wars, and Role Master, but here was a game specifically designed to emulate my favorite television programs, namely my anime obsession at the time: Tenchi Universe.

This was the Second Revised Edition (cover pictured above), and the book is a surprising quick read. All of the character creation is contained in Chapter 2 (about a hundred pages), and it’s easily broken down into steps. To be honest, once you learn about the Attributes, that’s the heart of character creation. Attributes are the things that allow your character to do the awesome stuff you see in anime.

Chapter three talks about all the game mechanics, which uses the TriStat system. You have three Stats, Body, Mind, and Soul, each ranges from values of 1 to 12— but typically most times, you’re going to limit these to under 6. This system uses a simple 2d6, Roll Under, which I find to be liberating as a Game Master. I don’t have to think about Target Numbers to see if a Player does the thing.

I’ve played this system for the last twentyish years now. I was truly excited when the Third Edition was set to come out in 2007 - 2008, but the company had some financial issues, and suffered a bit of a scandal, bankruptcy, and ultimately closed up shop. I did eventually get the Third Edition, and it was a vast improvement over the Second Revised Edition, namely with the reworking of the dice mechanics to using a more intuitive Roll Over mechanic (although, I later found that I tend to struggle with this), and the addition of Gear Building mechanics and Templates for different races and occupations— Classes. As much as I adored working with the Third Version, it definitely had it’s share of flaws. And during the time between 2008 and 2020, behind the scenes, the author of this system, Mark Mackinnon, was quietly getting his second wind.

Sometime during or immediately after the whole Covid crap, Mr. MacKinnon restarted his passion for this game system, with the creation of Dyskami, and published a Fourth Edition of the Big Eyes Small Mouth rule book. Despite all the scandal associated with the Third Edition, I was still excited to see my beloved system make a come back, and quickly purchased every book available. Even as older books from the Guardians of Order publication were released, I purchased those as well.

One question I’m asked about, is why do I continue to support this man, this company, rebrand, whatever you wish to call Dyskami with all the drama that happened regarding the Third Edition release? And my answer is twofold. First, I truly enjoy the system. It’s flexible and fairly fast. Besides, I’ve invested years of my life into mastering it. But secondly, and perhaps more importantly, I support a man whom is trying to pursue a dream. Mark has a dream, whether it’s motivated by making a shit-ton of cash, or just a passion to provide an awesome game environment to replicate our favorite anime series, doesn’t matter to me. Mark is an inspiration to me, much as other TTRPG (tabletop role playing game) publishers are, because someday, I hope to be counted among my heroes as a publisher too.

Now let’s talk game.

Now for the true reason why I’ve decided to finally get off my butt and write something today! I stumbled across my copy of Big Eyes Small Mouth Second Edition RETRO— a rewriting of the original Second Edition book I initially found so many years ago in that comic book shop. This version expands upon that original second edition, combining some of the Fourth Edition mechanics with the Second Edition content. What I love about this version over the Fourth Edition is that it still uses a Roll Under mechanic, but also adds the ease of Templates that were introduced in the Third Edition.

Anyway, as I’m sitting here with my PUMC (Plot Unfolding Machine Companion) fired up and ready to go, I’ve been unsatisfied with attempting to play using Traveller or Cypher System. The problem I’ve discovered is that the character concepts I have are complex. Traveller allows for on-the-fly character generation. So my concept probably gets overridden. Cypher System is a great system, but it doesn’t work very well for complex characters that have multiple themes, like my cast of Magical Misfits. However, with my experience of BESM, I feel confident that I can build my characters using this system, and more importantly, explore the world I’ve had sitting in the dark recesses of my brain for months now.

So who exactly am I trying to create? Allow me to introduce my five misfits:

• Hikari Amaterasu, a naive, young Solar mage who over-kills everything. She’s my primary antagonist.

• Quinn Harper, inspired from Colonel Jack O’Neil from StarGate SG-1. He’s an older guy, just wants to retire, and has a coffee addiction. His primary power is Time Manipulation, and has the unfortunate curse of gender transformation to activate his powers.

• Matilda Weber, born in a small town somewhere in rural Germany is a gothic/emo girl. Yes, she looks underage, despite being 27 years old. She’s actually a vampire, who not only excels at Necromancy, but loves heavy weapons. Death is kinda her thing.

• Avery Fairchild III, is the wealthy bookworm brat of some high-class nobility. She’s a technical genius, perhaps even a Technomancer— I haven’t committed a decision on this just yet.

• Kai Hart is one of the newer members of the team, a psy-powered martial artist who has embraced toxic positivity, and is gender-fluid. Their personality abruptly changes as quickly as their identity does.

With the cast loosely defined now, I can get a bit into the setting. These magical girls are a part of an ultra elite military organization designated to protect Earth from all sorts of troublesome invaders and other critters. Just like in most typical anime, of course. But these five are classified as misfits for reasons. This game focuses on absurd comedy— in fact, if you’ve read any of my other work, you may recognize these five characters, because I’ve already started a fictional story involving them. So why create a role playing game featuring these same characters? Well, I want to explore their personalities outside of pure creative fiction. I’m kind of treating this game as a warm-up exercise to get my creative juices flowing again, because I do miss writing fiction. But right now, with so much utter horrible shit going on in the world— in my own backyard, I can’t concentrate on the longer form writing that I started out doing. I feel that role playing, even if only in a solo environment could allow me to take baby steps back into the realm of my twisted imagination.

I’ve set up my PUMC environment so that I can use these same five characters across a variety of role playing systems. My plan is to recreate these characters in different role playing systems, perhaps play a little in these different systems, without needing to recreate the entire world, locations, all the things needed to do to set up a game. One way or another, I plan to learn the 200+ role playing systems I have purchased that are just sitting idly on my hard drive. BESM Retro is only the first that I’m going to experiment with.

I also need to become more comfortable with the PUMC environment too. Because as much as I’d like to just publish my game using my online forum, I don’t think right now is a good time to utilize that platform. Especially since there’s not really anybody interested in participating in my role playing discussions. It’s depressing hoping online to see I’m the only person active on my forum day after day. Using PUMC, I don’t have that distraction. Furthermore, since I had to downgrade my phone package recently, I no longer have unlimited internet access, and PUMC works completely offline.

In closing, because I know I’m rambling now, I will say that burnout is a total bitch. I miss my hobbies. I miss having the energy to enjoy my life. Burnout totally leads into depression. And I know I suffer from Seasonal Blues, so that doesn’t help either. So, I’m going to try to play my old favorite in a new way (BESM Revised vs Retro, Forum vs PUMC) and hope for the best.

I think I'm done. Throwing in the towel, hanging up my hat. I'm retiring. Quite frankly, I've had it. It used to be an amazing experience, but today, it's toxic as fuck, and I'm washing my hands of it.

Let's begin with Facebook, shall we? When it came online, it was the place to connect with family, old friends, and meet people of similar interests. There were no avatars, screen names, and everyone seemed to be their honest selves. Looking back over the years, Facebook has devolved into an advertisement basement. Every other post seemed to be a cleverly disguised ad. Sometimes it was something if interest, other times it was a fan page, and rarely it's just spam. I left Facebook sometime last year. It's no big loss for me, because of the 35 friends i had connected with, only two were my family -- one of whom only writes on my birthday or holidays, the other I haven't heard from in years. And there was only one friend from high school who still randomly FaceTimed with me. I guess he hates talking on the phone as much as I do.

Next is TikTok. I found this quite addicting, but what started out as a coping mechanism that fed me the humor of cat videos, and a breathe of fresh air seeing other human beings having fun or just being goofy, eventually morphed into watching-- and engaging in a political shit show. Then the ban came in January 19th, and I said enough of this bullshit.

I won't even get into Twitter. I never could wrap my head around short form updates. Honestly, who cares when I poop? If I recall, I had like three followers. And of course, we all know how politically toxic X has become, from its start.

Reddit. The Super Forum! The place where you can post long form content on any topic, again, with the occasional advertisement. But, as awesome as it is for finding community, it's automated bots are insane. The reason I've decided to leave social media is because of yet another violation, a ban. Of course it was automated. A human being would have recognized the sarcasm in whatever it was that I said and may have commented.

So, this leaves my online presence to SubStack and old school Internet forums. We'll see how long I stick around here, because I'm truly sick of being censored. Sometimes the truth hurts. Maybe I'm the violent asshole? All I know is that I'm tired, and I'm not seeing the situation getting any better.

Social Media was sold to create like-minded community, but it turns out that hiding behind a keyboard is a powerful tool for propaganda. All that's happening is more division, more strife, and more hatred-- the opposite of what was supposed to happen. And I don't think I want to participate in that game anymore. So, I'm out.

Sure, I'll miss the discussions about anime and role playing, aliens, and other conspiracy theories, but maybe I can find a better resource -- face to face even! That's right! Less time online consuming crap makes me a bad consumer, because I'll stop spending my money with the convenience of a button click. Hell, I may be ultimately responsible for completely imploding the Economy!

Oh well. My bad. Did I do that?

Yes, I’m obsessed with this new and upcoming game system SHIFT. It’s just rules lite enough that I can create an entirely new game using the bare-bones that’s been given, yet defines just enough structure to creating something solid.

Case in point, if you’ve been reading along recently, I’ve been making my own World Sparks. The first one, CyberPink!, a Space Opera, Cyberpunk setting that’s pushing the comedy factor in your face, and a newer challenge, a Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha setting, again with some humor. And yes, humor, because I feel that the world needs humor right now. I know I certainly do! These two Sparks share a lot of similarity, and I may end up merging the two in the end, but that’s still quite a far ways off yet. Today, I want to focus on some unusual rules.

A SHIFT outside the Character Realm

Although, currently these are being classified as Player Techniques, I may go with something shiftier. These are rules that I’m writing that extend beyond what a character can do, and literally break the fourth wall. Yes, they literally disrupt the immersion of the story, which paradoxically is not what you want to experience when role playing. Let’s take a look at what I’ve created so far:

SHIFT Change:
If you didn’t think you were on the stage of a movie or television show, you just figured it out. The evening bell has rung, and it’s time for your character to clock out. For the moment, all action abruptly stops. Bullets hang in the air, unmovable, the laws of physics simply are suspended. When this technique is invoked, you may switch your current character with another character in your portfolio who is currently not in play. The replacing character will assume the exact position and location of the first character. Reasons could include the other Players simply got bored with your current charterer, this character has died abruptly and the show must go on, or the Game Master just decided because.

I wrote this rule because in this game, I don’t want to deal with the concept of death. I feel that there’s already too much of it going around the world. And fiction to me is an escape from reality. Therefore, I wanted to make a neat way to keep a fiction going in the event your character is overwhelmed into oblivion.

There was an old movie or cartoon, I don’t remember at the moment, and it annoys me that I can’t remember the name of it or even where I saw it, but the audience was immersed in the scene. there were two characters fighting, one was getting the crap beat out of them. A whistle blew, the action stopped, the character who was getting their ass kicked politely nodded to their assailant grabbed his bag and hat and walked off the scene, saying something about seeing him tomorrow, or something. A replacement character took the position of the character who was getting beaten up, and the whistle blew again. The punching started once again. Thinking more about this, I want to say this was something I saw as a child watching Looney Tunes. And this would certainly fit the level of absurdity I’m looking to recreate.

Scene SHIFT:
The current campaign has stalling, or the current chain of events may cause the Universe to implode on itself. Any Player may call for an election of a Scene Shift. If the majority of players agree to proceed, the Player who initiated the Scene Shift may abruptly enter a new Scene, forcing everyone else at the Table to improvise a fresh start. Roll any Dice size.
An ODD Result triggers a complete refresh of all Traits to their maximum values. An EVEN Result means no Traits are reset.

I created this rule because in my experience as a Player, sometimes the current campaign just gets tiring. Maybe it’s the same things happening over and over again, but I didn’t really want to re-roll up a brand new character for whatever reason. This rule allows for anybody who feels this can initiate an abrupt scene change. I’m reminded of an episode of Tenchi Universe. After we’re introduced to the character Kiyone, there was a chase scene. A commercial break happens, and when the show resumes, everybody is sitting around a table ready to dig into a happy, festive meal. Kiyone is the one who breaks the Fourth Wall, wondering what happened to the scene she was just in.

I added the additional roll mechanic as a bit of a last minute randomness. Because a character may be nearly depleted of resources, this would be a clever way to freshen up for the new scene.

Player Improbability SHIFT:
This Technique may be invoked upon an absent Player’s Character(s) for comedical effect. The result could transform a missing character into a potted petunia or a bouncy beach ball. While in this state, the character(s) may not experience any trauma, nor gain any Experience Points, however, the Game Master may insert snide or snarky comments on the missing Player’s behalf that could result in *troublesome* experiences for the remaining cast.

This rule stems from my frustration with playing asynchronous games, but also dates back to when I would sit at a table with my normal gaming crew, and there would always be that one player who couldn’t make it for whatever reason. And because the game gets stalled for yet another week… *goes off grumbling to herself*.

Now with this rule invoked, nobody can get upset why the game just went on without them, and it also gives a handy way for the Game Master to create plot points for the remaining characters to work through!

So, there we have it. Three Fourth-Wall-Demolished Techniques that are ready to be played with. You’re welcome. Let’s see what other bizarre crap I can come up with this week…

I’ve once again come back to the game of SHIFT, and although it’s not fully completed yet (the Kickstarter is still ongoing for another three weeks), I just can’t seem to get enough of how easy this system is to customize… and obviously play! Maybe it’s the intuitive shifting mechanic, or the fact that I get to use all, most of my dice? But let’s talk about World Sparks and what my newest plan for world domination includes, shall we?

World Sparks: A Seed!

A world spark, is an idea that’s ready to be played. It has a number of sections that have already been fleshed out so that a Game Master can directly insert the world spark into his or her campaign! Or said another way, a world spark is simply the seed idea of a campaign.

So a World Spark begins with a concept, or several paragraphs describing the setting of the idea, or world. There’s also several building blocks that consist of the names of the Core Traits that will be used (yes, you can change and even add or subtract the number of Traits (Stats) the game uses!), the ease of travel configuration, and how easy it is for resting and recovery of Traits. Next we have one of possible several locations that are defined, complete with landmarks and important Non-Playing Characters and some plot hooks.

But we’re not done yet, because world sparks also have their own Focus Traits, or rather, examples of Traits that Characters could either use directly or Players could modify these to to fit their own character concepts within the World. There’s also Pack Traits, something like a backpack full of equipment that a character might receive. Vehicle Traits can also be added, because who wants to just walk around everywhere? Keep in mind that these aren’t just pieces of a vehicle, but could be entire cars, jet planes, or advanced high-grade militarized assault mecha!

There’s just two more things that a World Spark requires, and that’s Techniques and Adversaries. A technique is like a special ability. These are designed to automatically work, but have an extremely limited number of times they can be used. Some techniques can have multiple options to choose from, and a technique can be either mechanically operable or influence the narrative of the story. Adversaries are the Big Bad Boss foes of the World. These are defined to have a Power and Scale as well as a lengthy description of their motivation and personality— if they’re even a living being. Adversaries are simply challenges. So a Bad Storm could be considered an Adversary, or even Aunt Mildred’s Sour Krout Soup…

Let’s grow an Imagination Forest!

So now that I’ve explained what World Sparks are, allow me to ramble on about my idea. Creating World Sparks is actually kind of relaxing! I know that I’m going to eventually get around to playing with myself in a solo play environment someday on the subway or bus, or maybe even get lucky and score a couple of like-minded friends to play together with.

My plan is to create a book of World Sparks. And originally, as a shower thought, I was going to make a book. But then as I was drying my hair this morning, I thought, but I’ve got this SubStack thing, I can just publish my Sparks there! And because the creators of SHIFT have an implementation of The Open Gaming License for their product, I’m allowed to monetize this project.

What I’m going to do is start publishing out a fully completed World Spark— my hope eventually is once per week. When I’ve reached a significant number of them, I plan on taking the best ideas and adding some awesome artwork to them and combining them into a published book. I will admit that starting out, it’s a lot of work, only because this is something pretty new, and there is a pretty strict template that needs to be adhered to, but once the full rule set comes out, there will be less fumbling around and I should be able to crank out a World Spark weekly. At least, that’s my thinking.

And that’s not all I can do with this concept. Each world spark currently appears to be around four to five pages long— a good Spark has a lot of content contained within it! I could go on to fully create main Player Characters to fit into this world— granted, most people would probably use these characters as examples, but… I’d have a ready made adventure all set up so that a group of friends could sit down and play within five minutes of meeting up!

Finally, there’s always the possibility of mixing things up. Have a cast of 37 Adversaries? Grab ‘em from the book! This could lead towards all sorts of mischief and chaos. The point is to go have some fun!

Today I turned half a century old, that’s 18, 262.5 days (but who’s counting, right?) And as a birthday present from a very generous friend, I was gifted a gift card over at DTRPG (DriveThru RPG), so I started looking at role playing systems. Yes, I have a problem. It’s okay. But, which system should I look at? There’s like a thousand different game systems to choose from. Well, let’s think about this.

What in the hell am I looking for?

I really want to play a game that allows for the style of combat that you’d see in a typical Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha anime. I’m talking lots of spell slinging, quick recharges and massive damage! So what does that mean? Let’s translate these requirements step by step. Personally, as I am getting older, I’m realizing that this is often a crucial step that usually gets skipped. Most people seem to have the game system they know like the back of their hand and shoehorn the rules to fit the campaign concept. Or, more sane Game Masters don’t bother with the ridiculous challenge of cramming something from another form of media into a role playing game. But I’m crazy, so we’re going to do this!

I want to emulate the intense spell casting combat that’s depicted in Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha. Anime by definition is exaggeration. That means I’m going to need a system that is not rooted in realism. Which by extension also means I’m not going to want a really crunchy game system with lots of mathematics involved. The game needs to be agile and flexible, to reflect the intense exchange of combat.

And because I need a game that can easily adapt to the chaos found in my favorite anime titles, I need a game that’s more on the narrative side of the spectrum. But here’s where I have a problem. I don’t do so well creating characters in systems like Fate Core or Freeform Universal because it’s too open— it’s like as a writer, just staring at that blank Word Document with the blinking little cursor… just taunting you, daring you to write something. Yeah, I need options, otherwise known as guardrails.

Knowing these critical bits of information, I started searching the Internet. I’m sorry to say, but trying to Google this could take months, only because I really don’t know what’s all available. But I do have a tool at my disposal. AI. I personally use DeepSeek because it’s free and pretty verbose with its output. I typed in exactly what I was looking for and it suggested a number of games— most of them I already own. That defeats the purpose of wanting to splurge and buy myself a birthday present. And I know from working with the game systems that have already been listed, that I can’t seem to capture the feel I’m looking for. (You’d think with access to over 165 role playing games, I’d find something that I could make fit, but alas, no dice, as they say.)

One of the final suggestions listed was Cypher System. I’d heard of this system before, and often get it conflated with another system I already own, Cortex Prime— totally different mechanics here. Based on what DeepSeek told me about Cypher, I was convinced that this might be the system I’ve been looking for— however, I was still a bit skeptical, so I asked DeepSeek to run through a mock combat fight between Nanoha and Fate— prior to the Epilogue in Season 2 of Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha (A’s).

How is Cypher System different?

Okay, first of all, bear (or is it bare?) with me here— I’m still learning this system!

There’s no Hit Point resource, nor any Mana resource. Everything you do is powered by your three Core Stats of Might (strength), Speed (agility), and Intellect (uh, that’d be smarts). Everything you do costs so many Stat Points. This is a simple mechanic that keeps characters from becoming too overly powered. Another thing about this mechanic is that your Health is directly tied to Might. Most damage is applied to Might first (although there are some exceptions). When any Stat is reduced to zero, you move downward on your Damage Tracker from Hine to Impaired, and this causes global modifications to your character’s actions. That’s less crap that I have to remember every time I roll. The consequences are listed right on the character sheet.

And it’s this mechanic, the Stat Pools that attracts me to this system. Because there aren’t any Spell Slots and all my Actions consume Points from my Stat Pool I can recreate the intense spell-slinging combat that appears within the Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha anime. Furthermore, because of Cyphers and other mechanics, I’ll be able to have my characters recharge their Stat Pools so that the battles can continue without breaking the system. At least, that’s my hope.

Let’s talk about the options. There’s a lot of them— guardrails. And these can be customized and modified as needed by the Game Master. You can literally build any kind of character with all these options. And because the game is setting-agnostic, but has Flavors (genre information), it’s easy to build what you want to play, where you want to play it. So I shouldn’t have any problems building the Earth (and Midchilda) found in MGLN. (That’s Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha, in case I lost you.)

Now for the hard part. To actually read the book (without falling asleep— because I’m old) and learn the game well enough to build some characters, create the world and go play with myself! I’ll keep ya posted.

So I was introduced to yet another new role playing game recently, and I decided to take a break from my normal creative endeavor to go check it out. I must admit, I’m very impressed. The game is called SHIFT, a rules-light, fiction-first, narrative game. You can check out the promo booklet for free here.

There are several things that I really like about this game, despite not having a clue about how to actually work with Traits (aka Tags aka Aspects aka Descriptors, or any other terminology that refers to a witty phrase or keyword to describe something about a character, location, or object), building a character took less than ten minutes. Granted, I don’t have access to the complete rule book as of yet— that comes out in January 2026. However, there’s enough to work with between the Basic Rulebook and the World Sparks that have been officially released. There are three Core Traits: Mind, Body, and Soul. That’s it. And they’re pretty easy to work with. Mind for all the mental and intellectual stuff. Body for all the physical hard work and crap. Soul to use for social stuff or anything sketchy, like spirituality and junk. There’s also two additional Traits, a Primary and a Secondary that you’ll need to dream up on your own.

Mechanics

Dice. This is where this system really shines. I love me some dice rollin’! And SHIFT doesn’t disappoint! You get to use most of your 55-gallon drum of lonely dice that’s been resting in peace in your basement for decades. All but the d20. Put that sucker to sleep. He’s tired of being in your fist all day. You’ll want two sets of polyhedral dice. Four-sided (d4), six-sided (d6), eight-sided (d8), ten-sided (d10), and twelve-sided (d12). Every Trait gets assigned a specific die upon Character Creation. You assign your Body, Mind, and Soul one of d6, d8, or d10 (no repeats, okay?). Then you assign your Primary Focus Trait a d4, and your Secondary Focus Trait a d6.

Success is a die result of a 1, 2, or 3, with a 1 meaning a Critical Success. More on that in a moment. If your die lands on it’s highest value (a four on a d4, a ten on a d10), then that’s read as a Critical Failure, and you Shift Down to the next size dice size. A d4 becomes a d6, and a d10 becomes a d12. If you land on a 12, that Trait is then considered Exhausted, and you can’t use it until you’ve Recovered (either by resting, or rolling a Critical Success. There’s other ways yet to be disclosed.) This is also how Health and Energy resource tracking works. There’s literally NO MATH in this game! If your Body becomes Exhausted, you either fall unconscious, or you die, or something. It depends on the grittiness of the game setting.

Combat is just as easy. Every Adversary has a Scale rating. A rating of 1 means that you only have to Exhaust one Trait to defeat the Adversary. The Scale ranges from one to five. Which totally makes sense, because every character will always have at least five Traits.

Settings

It’s super easy to play this game, and to assist players, pre-made settings, known as World Sparks have been created, with new ones being made all the time by the community. Currently, there are two World Sparks, Dorado Station, a Science Fiction/Western scene, and Malstorm, a Horror environment.

Creating a Spark is super easy. There’s a workbook that you fill out that provides all the necessary components that you’ll need. But the best part is that you can twist and deviate from the official rules. At least, based on what I’ve read so far, you can. And I’m going to have some fun here.

I’m going to give this system a quick run through with my current favorite setting: Anime-Space Opera-Cyberpunk-Comedy. And to do that, I’m going to create a fourth Core Trait, called Chaos. Basically, this Trait will allow me to Narrative Cheat, have Unshakeable Confidence, and provide a window for Comedic Timing. I’ll be working on the rest of the details probably tomorrow, and hopefully get some official feedback on my Core Trait idea. Maybe even find somebody to run this World Spark through. I’m even thinking of ways I can torture my favorite character, Fate Testarossa, and probably the entire main cast of Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha, through these shenanigans. That’s always a fun little exercise!

Anyway, I’ve gotten a bit off track. A World Spark isn’t a complete adventure or module. It’s designed to be a seed to flesh out with your players, or to complete on the fly. The Spark gives a couple of locations, a few Adversaries, and a couple of plot hooks to get you started. Literally, after you get the hand of this, it may only take a couple of hours of solid concentration to whip one of these bad boys up— and I’m excited to see what other people create!

Conclusion

I really hate saying that word. But I’m tired, and I guess it fits. SPARKS looks to be an intensely well constructed game. And it should be. I accidentally tripped over the creator’s original beta-test post on Reddit, a post of three years old! The really great news is that this project is nearly complete. All the text and core bits are already completed. There’s a really strong Discord community, and with the KickStarter having already surpassed it’s funding goal, expect full digital copies of the game to be released in January of 2026, with physical books being delivered in the first quarter of 2027.

I’m looking forward to trying this game out with a couple of custom Oracles and seeing how well a Solo game could do. And assuming I survive my own brain damage, maybe I’ll find a friend who’s equally as crazy as I am and we can play with each other too— using SHIFT of course! (Get your mind out of the gutter!)

May I present to you: FARTS. Freeform Asynchronous/Anime Roleplaying Tropes/Tag System.

I like it. It’s funny. I giggle at it. It’s stupid funny. It’s perfect.

Anyway, as I’ve been working I’ve been learning my way around Obsidian, a wonderful Markdown notetaking app that is just amazingly powerful. There are so many plug-ins for it and it’s extremely stable. Probably the best thing I’m loving about it right now is the customization of output that I can do with it. Everything uses CSS, and if you’ve ever worked with webpages before, you’ll understand just how powerful this can be. Basically, instead of learning a new program just for formatting, like In-Design, I can just hit “Export to PDF” and have my book mostly formatted the way I want it.

There are a couple of issues that I’ve noticed though. Two-column formatting, specifically the way I want it done with the headers spanning the page, is… frustrating. I may figure something out, or I may abandon it. Time will tell as I reach closer to completion.

As far as some notable milestones, I’ve settled upon the three fonts that I’m going to be using. Comic Neue for paragraph text, Bubblegum Sans for Headers, and I haven’t quite decided upon the cover page font, but it’s either going to be Luckiest Guy or Bangers. I’ve also mostly completed the Character Creation chapter and I’m pretty satisfied with the Core Mechanics. I’ve also decided that I’m going to attempt a smaller project instead of my massive tome, just so that I can learn the ins and outs of the publishing industry.

In other recent developments, late last night, I acquired a license for Art Rage Pro, so now I can start drawing my character art. One of my many pet projects has been to learn how to draw Chibi characters, and so I’ll be flipping through this book with the intention of applying my soon-to-be-learned skills toward my book project!

Status report time! The last two days have been like a night and day difference between my productivity levels over the past couple months. I think I’ve accomplished more in the previous two days than I have over the past two months! And I think part of that boost in productivity may in fact be the software that I’m using to work. I’ve switched to using Obsidian exclusively for my rough draft work. Scrivener is a great software application for writing, but I think it may have too many bells and whistles. I found myself constantly getting distracted with organizing my content instead of just writing it down. Obsidian is a glorified Notepad. An empty space for writing, that supports MarkDown formatting, and a clean left panel with a file/folder tree so I can quickly organize my notes/documents. But probably one of the strongest features I’m in love with right now using Obsidian is that I can use this app on my desktop AND on my Android (and hint, I don’t have to pay for a subscription for Sync.) I’m using a freeware utility called FolderSync, that uploads my vault to my Cloud for me. Anyway, I digress…

So last night, immediately before I crashed at like 22:30? I released a quick Note on here (and on my website at some point in time), detailing the progress I’ve made. And I’ve made considerable progress. The fact that I’m writing this report, rather than working on my project shows that my brain needs a break. Brainstorming is actually a lot of work! So what have I accomplished in the past two days?

• I wrote the full text and instructions on how to use my Oracle System. I’m pretty proud of it, because it follows a simple progression of asking follow-up questions, and providing unique tables to roll upon to provide those answers (if needed). Literally, an eight-year-old child could use this— but probably won’t because I refuse to stop speaking like an intoxicated Sailor Scout.

• Next I worked on outlining Character Creation. My system is firmly rooted in the use of tropes. And that of course, immediately turns off a bunch of people, because tropes are bad, right? I disagree. Tropes are useful to quickly communicate an idea, and because my game is anime-focused, what better way to construct the world and character ideas, than to use a lot of tropes as starting points? To do this, I started by defining what are the typical tropes found within anime. And I discovered there are three: Expressive, Narrative, and Functional. I don’t want to bore you with the details here— you’ll have to read my book! But suffice to say, I’ve got a 100 color choices, 200 Personality Demeanor qualities, and as of right now, I’m looking at well over 500 Species qualities— yeah, you can build your own species/race. I’m also working on a Lifepath generator to help create interesting backstories quickly. That’s probably another hundred or so things to work with.

• I’ve also created the economics system the game will function in. Turns out, what I’m designing is very more narratively creative than it is mechanically crunchy. So there are no Levels, there’s no Experience Points to book-keep. Instead, I’ve tripped over the absolutely genius idea that everything— including the character creation process boils down to monetary economics. Leveling up, is simply a matter of buying upgrades. Everything is a Tag in my game, and every Tag has a set price. Every thing you do in the game either earns your character monetary units, or your character exhausts their stores. I even came up with some Jargon that fits perfectly within the crazy antics of my anime-based setting. Is your mind open enough to not be totally offended by it?

• As a result of building an economic system, I’ve also begun developing the overall story of the game. The powerful antagonists, why certain events occurred, even some Where in the Hell am I? bits are beginning to form solidity. It’s a massive galaxy— of course it is! A fusion of Cyberpunk with Space Opera. The adventures are oversized, just like most of the character’s eyeballs are. There’s lots to create.

• Finally, a couple days ago, I stumbled onto a solution that I’ve been hunting for a while. Most cyberpunk games are very lethal. I’ve come up withe perfect solution. Death is indeed a real thing that happens in anime, but it’s typically reserved for extreme special occurrences. And that’s not the vibe I want to play within anyway. I want comedy. Fun. Silliness. Epic chaos! So, instead of taking damage, like in most role playing games, characters will become Stressed Out. And when this happens, they’ll morph into a Chibi version of themselves. A practically indestructible form that employs epic level humor to chill out. I mean, reality is already mostly suspended, but now while being a Chibi, you can effortlessly pull out a bazooka from thin air, and blast that pervert’s face to oblivion, or kick them into orbit. Of course, there’s consequences for becoming a Chibi, but the goal is to provide an additional layer of fun, so they’re not too punishing.

Anyway, I always imagined my game system to be sort of an inside joke between game masters and players— knowing how much players hate reading (apparently). Just imagine pulling a tome of like 700 pages off the bookshelf and plopping it down on the kitchen table with a loud, resounding thud, stating, ”Today, we’re playing this!”. The joke being that my aim is to make starting a character up and getting to game play should only take like 20 minutes. The bulk of my masterpiece here is options, details, and examples, worded with a fun, sarcastic tone that’s a pleasure to read. Don’t forget about the eye-candy! Lots of cute anime characters will be causing havoc in the margins. Mostly probably drawn by yours truly, because there’s no way I could possibly afford to pay other people to fill up pages with beautiful artwork. With the way the current economy is, I’ll be lucky to break even!

Anyway, time will tell, hopefully soon, because I’m eager to get this system play tested—hard. I have three different modes that need examination: Tabletop, Solo, and Asynchronously. And I’ll need to find some awesome who wanna try it out. (hint, hint, HINT!)

As my adventures continue with game design I’ve hit a potential snag. You see, my game concept is blending the dark, grittiness of Cyberpunk with the light-hearted humor of my favorite anime shows. The problem is death is like unheard of in anime comedy, whereas it’s an hourly occurrence in a Cyberpunk setting. And that got me thinking, a lot of role playing games just flat out kill the adversaries. Kill the monsters, sure, but what about those NPC’s as adversaries. A lot of role playing games have a combat mechanic, and as a natural result, death is usually the outcome— unlike in real life.

And while death does occur within anime, it’s usually a very reserved event that rarely goes without major consequences— usually for the other characters to experience. That’s why early on in the development of my game, I decided that I wanted to shy away from Death as a part of the core mechanic. But I hadn’t give very much though about Death towards adversaries, at least not until this morning.

So I thought about how I would handle the concept of Defeat in my game. Since Death is a reserved option for Players toward their characters (sometimes, you just want to retire, right?), but I needed something for dealing with adversaries. Look no further than your typical Magical Girl anime! My hero(ine)!

Magical girls typically deal with subduing thier opponents in one of three different ways:

• Imprisonment. Let’s look at Cardcaptor Sakura. Granted, her foes were originally trapped in the Clow Cards, but being only ten years old, Sakura wasn’t about get her outfit all messy with gore and guts from her monsterous foes, right? No, she captured each one of them back into a Clow Card— an imprisonment device. Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha has a similar tactic. Nanoha, only being nine years old was dispatched on a mission to collect the Jewel Seeds— wish-granting devices that often morphed into monsterous entities. Nanoha would battle Fate to collect the Jewel Seeds to keep her (Nanoha’s) neighborhood safe and sound. The world of Nanoha leads me into the next Defeat Device, however, imprisonment into inanimate objects isn’t the only form of prison for the Bad Guys. Sometimes, these people are truly criminals and justice is served.

• Rehabilitation. This is a much more difficult tactic that Magical Girls (and other anime heroes) utilize to defeat their nemesises. Again, looking at Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha, we see in the first season that Fate, Nanoha’s rival ends up not being quite so bad. This mechanic is further enforced with the introduction of the Wolkenritter. Nanoha and company managed to rehabilitate their new enemies into joining forces at the end of the Season.

• Banishment. This is the final variety of plot devices that I can think of off the top of my head for how anime protagonists would handle their foes in a humane, non-lethal way. I think the Antagonists from Sailor Moon best fit this method. Although the adversaries are demons, they are overpowered and forcably removed from the Earth Plane. I feel that this could be interpreted as a form of banishment. Once the Demons gain enough power back, they’re welcome to try again, right—even if it never happens.

There’s probably a few other methods that I’m just not seeing right now, but at least I now have a few decent consequences for how Anatagonists are going to be defeated. After all, it doesn’t make too much sense (to me for right now) if Antagonists have to add Quirks to thier chararacter sheet. And that make the job of the Game Master more difficult. The goal is to reduce the work load!

Last time on “Let’s Break Shit…” I was discussing creating my own role playing game. After a couple of days of researching, I have come to the conclusion that I am truly creating something that hasn’t been combined in the way I’m creating yet.

Cyberpunk Dystopia, magnified with Space Opera expanse, with just enough Anime Shenanigans to balance the darkness. This is going to be EpiC! (say it aloud with a dip in the middle and elongating the last syllable come on, I know ya wanna!)

Anyway, after this morning, I think I’ve got the core system pretty much fleshed out. I’ll need to do some Alpha Testing to ensure that it’s actually workable, but so far, if my math is right, this should work fine. I’ve also got a crap-ton of random tables to generate. That’s going to probably take a week or longer. Good thing I’ve got lots of time during my subway/bus commute!

But today, I’ve been working on the Setting. How do I combine the typical dystopia of a typical Cyberpunk city to the expanse of an entire galaxy? No, this won’t be Star Wars. There needs to be a glue that meshes everything together. What’s the main plot in a Cyberpunk setting? Money. Control. Greed. Maybe Lust. And this game is set in the far future. It has to be for star-travel to be possible. Money is a problem because what resource would be scarce enough within an entire galaxy?

I’m not going to spoil it just yet, but I’ll give you a hint: It’s not a rare metal or element!

And it’s the perfect currency too! It degrades with time, meaning it can’t be stored long-term. The Elite CEO’s of this galactic Network will stop at nothing to have it. But this is only part of the economics. I had an epiphany last night. As in our current model, where Capitalism is rotting the bed we sleep in, the future, although it has some really cool stuff, isn’t too much different. I mean, we are talking about Cyberpunk here. So, much like how there’s two tiers of Justice, the natural evolution of this system would mean that there is two tiers of currency. The one the CEOs and Powerful use, and the one that the Common-folk use. (I’m still working on a vernacular term to call this group.) Anyway, because the Galaxy is divided up into factions that are ruled over by specific corporations, to keep people from rising up and causing trouble, there needs to be some mechanism in place that’s deplete-able, and addictive. Everything in the Universe is powered by Energy, the movement of energy. Whether it’s labor or fusion, everything boils down to energy. The future is going to conduct every transaction using the Quantum Universal Energy Exchange Framework. (Yes, that’s an acronym!) Of course, normal people slaving away aren’t going to use such official jargon. We got no time for correctness!

But keep in in mind that the Elites aren’t using QUEEFs, they use something far more sinister. To find out what, you’ll have to eventually buy the book I’m creating and find out!

Moving on… because my setting is so far in the future, I can also introduce something I’ve been wanting to do for a long time: Temporal Travel. So now you as a SolarPunk or whatever I decide to call your typical Corporate Bitch (errand runner) can travel all across the Galaxy in your custom made Starships to extract resources and people, smuggle illegal crap, and just shoot things up, not only here and there, but also back in the past too! I’m thinking of restricting time travel to only include the past because of the very nature of how unpredictable traveling into the future is. There’s probably some Law of Temporal-Crap I need to discover.

Yes, I want people to be able to create and build things with my game. Right now, I’m leaning on using a flexible Tag system rather than straight up Build Points. I want creation to be fast but also fun. So you’ll get to build your freaky species, cyber-armorment, weapons, spaceship… all that stuff using words rather than numbers. I’ll be brainstorming more about this over the next couple of days.

So, I’ve returned to the part of my ADHD Cycle of Epic Creation! Yeah, I’m back to developing my own Table Top Role Playing Game (ttRPG) after searching the piles of already completed media looking for the perfect game. To which, I say, it’s probably only perfect to me, only if I create it!

Previously on “Let’s Break Shit…” I attempted to create a Magical Girl role playing game. And then I quickly realized I was WAY OVER MY HEAD! I started seeing charts and tables about dice mechanics and mathematical probabilities, and all sorts of decisions I totally wasn’t ready to make. All in all, the last episode of this creative mania lasted about three weeks before I totally burned myself out.

But the problem was that although I had a product in mind, I lacked the rest of the vision. There were too many unanswered questions along the horizon, stalking me, in my dreams, racing my thoughts, and dooming me to mentally implode like OceanGate.

I’ve come back, risen from the depths of Hell itself (that being inactive boredom, by the way) with a new sparkle! You see, very recently, I began looking through my collection of role playing games. I’ve been prowling the Internet for interesting games. And I keep coming back to Science Fiction. Specifically, Cyberpunk. And while looking through my trove, I stumbled into Mekton. An ancient anime Mecha based role playing game. And while digging through the sparse YouTube commentary about this particular gaming system, somebody (I fail to remember who, dammit!) mentioned that you could theoretically create a Magical Girl using these rules— specifically using the Light Armor equipment. And that got me thinking… What’s the difference between a Magical Girl’s Love Beam Attack and a Mecha’s Mega Assault Cannon? Effectively, the results are the same: obliteration of your foe! One uses the nothingness of magic and internal mana energy, the other uses hardware and bullets.

Anyway, as I continued to research Mekton, (which is published by Mike Pondsmith ofR. Talsorian Games), I tripped over Cyberpunk Red. I’m a fan of Cyberpunk shenanigans . After all, my favorite character that I’ve ever played to date, Lindsey something-or-other was a ShadowRun character. I love the setting of ShadowRun, but not a fan of the mechanics. Way too many dice on the table and combat is not only lethal, but slooooooooooow! It’s too crunchy for me. I found my next Cyberpunk game. Now I just need to scrounge up $30 to buy it, because I absolutely refuse to be a pirate, matey and steal it. Not based on who I see Mike Pondsmith as. He’s a decent human being whom deserves all the love he can possibly receive. (Just search YouTube for him. You’ll see why, and trust me. He appears to be a true Stand Up Gentleman!)

Anyway, on to why I’m writing this massively long-winded post. Yes, I’m back to creating my own ttRPG. I’m going to actually build a fusion between the absurd craziness of anime comedy and smash it down with my Perv-Hammer-5003 Mark VI with Cyberpunk. I’m going to create a viable game that supports both Cyberpunk dystopianism with Sugary Magical Girl love.

And this makes total sense to my warped brain. Cyberpunk is classically a very dark, gritty, lethal edgy setting that keeps you on the edge of your seat. Whereas Magical Girls, and anime in general, tend to suspend realism in favor of the imagination— belief that anything is possible (especially with love!) And mixing a dark setting with the humorous tropes of Magical Girl anime, I think could be a real winner. Of course, I’m not just going to limit my idea to only the genre of Magical Girl. Oh no nononono! I’m also a fan of titles like Ranma 1/2. Gender Bending? yup. Romantic Comedy Harems like Tenchi Universe. Absolutely. And plopping this chaos into a dark, gritty world of Cybernetics, hacking and being corporatized coffee-bitches, I think would work well. Lots of humor to balance the grime of the Corporate Underworld.

So what am I up to right now?

Well today, I worked on the dice mechanics. You see, I have a problem. I don’t want just a typical table top experience. I want to be able to take my game system and plop in down on a random Internet Forum. You know, the old kind with text boxes and junk. I want to play Asynchronously. Email, hell, Snail Mail even. I’ll even tolerate Discord. And I also want the option to play with myself! No! Not like that, pervert. I mean Solo-play. Well to do that, I need to reduce the demand on the Game Mater (which would probably be me anyhow). And this calls for a Roll Under mechanic. There’s no need to set Target Numbers with a roll under dice mechanic. But it’s limiting, in several ways. I also wanted to incorporate Dice Tricks and Dice Pools and other really cool mechanics that I’ve come across during my game exploration adventures. Well, I after having a lengthy shouting match with AI (I happen to use DeepSeek when I’m bored), I’ve come up with some preliminary mechanics.

My system is going to use a 3d10 base mechanic. It’s going to have a limited Dice Pool function, and it’s also going to utilize Dice Tricks (sliding the size of dice—the number of sides of the dice) up or down based on a few factors. I want to give the players as much agency as possible. Included in my system is also a simple Oracle Chart— which I had loads of fun pointing and laughing at the goofy math AI attempted. I don’t know in what Universe the roll result of 103 is possible on a 3d20 chart. If you figure this out, please let me know!

The next stage is to figure out what Anime Tropes I want to include. I imagine this will probably become the fluff of the book—besides all the epic artwork I’ll have to commission for, because I know I can’t draw worth a shit! Giving lots of examples and details on how and when to use various Tropes will be critical. Another section will be the crunchy part of the book for the Gear design. Working on the Deez Nutz and Bolts so that everything fits together mathematically is also going to be rather exhaustive. Finally, I’ll circle back around and probably create some Trope classes for Character concepts to give inspirational ideas for players to create. Yes, I’m saving this part for last, because if everything else works, this should be the truly fun part!

Anyway, I’ve got a decent first draft of the first chapter done today. Much of it was explaining the five Stats of the game and the statistics of what’s a success and a failure, along with some very vague rules about how to handle successes and failures. I’ll come back around and layer on the humor to spice up this dry, bland text probably next week. I need to find my voice for this masterpiece. But I’ll need to determine who exactly would my audience be too. I don’t want to be shouting like a Sailor [Scout] to a bunch of fifth graders, right?!

At least I’ve got a name picked out!

Well, it’s been a while, hasn’t it? I’ve been a busy little girl! I took a dive into solo-role playing gaming, and I’ve been having a blast— despite not actually playing just yet. Just learning! So, what have I been studying?

GURPS (Fourth Edition). That’s right. I initially bought this game system last year and took a quick breeze through it. And for whatever reason, it didn’t resonate with me. I don’t remember what I was looking for at the time, but I do remember I also picked up the Hero System shortly thereafter. But what rekindled my passion for a crunchy system like GURPS, when I thought I was looking for a Narrative based system? Making my own role playing system. Part II.

After reading through the game Teenagers From Outerspace (hence, now to be referred to as Teenagers) I realized that what I was looking for was a game that focused on comedy. After all, that’s my favorite type of campaign to play in. Lots of stupid, slapstick comedy that makes people groan. And while I got quite the number of giggles out of reading Teenagers, I began looking for other systems. I really liked the Science Fiction genre that Teenagers offered. So, I began looking for Cyberpunk games. I missed playing the totally unhinged, uncouth, Lindsey whats-her-name. I had a blast playing such a psychotic character— and behave in ways that are totally taboo in Normal Society. So, I looked at Cyberpunk Red, a sister-game to Teenagers, made by the same creator, Michael A. Pondsmith, under the studio R. Talsorian Games, but that wasn’t quite what I was looking for. I also glanced at Mekton while I was at it too. Saved for when I want a truly crunchy Mecha game. Thanks, Mr. Pondsmith!!

These games somehow led me down the genre of unhinged comedy games. And I found a game called Macho Girls with Guns, by Greg Porter, published under Blacksburg Tactical Research Center. I fell in love, but more importantly, I felt inspired. I mean, if this guy back in the 80s can put together a role playing game, all 12 pages and make a dent in the Industry, well then, so can I!

A Concept of a Plan?

Over the past couple of weeks, I began putting together a company concept. Something that I don’t necessarily need right now, but will be incredibly handy for later. The problem is, I’ve been watching the Industry. Truth be told, table top role playing games aren’t nearly as popular as they once were. It seems that consumers of role playing games migrated to the digital realm. Video games are my competition, among other things. But that’s okay. Because a couple years ago before I started looking into creating my own role playing game, I was dabbling with Unreal Engine, and developing video game… we’ll call them concepts. (Yeah, yeah, I know. Horrible word.)

I know me better than most people do. And I have realized, especially over the past couple years that I may be more ADHD than [people] originally thought. I tend to pivot back and forth on various projects. This is not a weakness, because I can use this as the opposite. A strength. This blesses me to with the ability to build a structure that allows me to pivot within a number of creative areas, whether that be table top role playing games, video games, or even non-interactive things like general fiction and animation. If you can’t see where I’m going, that’s okay. I’m blind as a bat too.

And if you haven’t figured out that I adore anime, we both need to see a doctor! I need to create something that allows me to work with fluidity within the anime industry, but with a high creative presence. So I got to work defining this concept. I came up with a Studio name, [Classified] (until further notice). I got a mission statement and a few ideas written down for future projects too! But, back to where I was originally going when I first started this article. In looking at various mechanics for the game system I want to create (there’s really only five or six truly unique dice mechanics), I discovered what I was looking for, and believe it or not, GURPS has it, straight out of the box: A Roll Under mechanic that features a bell curve. Why is this important to me?

I Play With Myself?

The primary reason I want a roll under mechanic is because I enjoy playing games asynchronously, and usually that’s via Play by Post using a forum. This is important because when playing alone, you don’t have immediate access to a Game Master— the person who makes decisions about what you can and cannot do within a game, and by extension, this means the Game Master is responsible for determining any Target Numbers that a Player needs to beat in order to do the thing. But playing in an isolated fashion, this need can truly slow down or even completely stop a game’s progression. Rolling Under helps to alieveate the delay on obtaining a Target Number. You simply roll under your Stat or Skill or whatever it is that you need to beat. The other piece to this is I wanted a bell curve, as do most other Players. This is where the type of dice used matter upon creating a role playing game. We don’t want to do a shit-ton of math. Typically, I’d say just roll a Percentile. That gives a lot of room to succeed or fail, and everybody feels fairly comfortable with units of 100. It’s clean. And probabilities are pretty easy to calculate. But the problem with the Percentile is that it’s swingy, and can be faily flat and boring. Every number has an equal chance of probability of landing as the result. A bell curve eliminates this. By using more dice, there’s a higher probability that a middle number will be the likely result. A bell curve. But as I mentioned above, we ain’t mathin’!

So what does all this techno-babble have to do with GURPS again? Easy. GURPS uses 3d6 (three six-sided dice), and success is achieved by rolling under your Stat or Skill. This is awesome. But GURPS offers yet another awesome aspect.

One thing I like about Narrative based systems is the complete freedom I, as a player, have in fleshing out a character concept. I’m not boxed in by pre-built options, such as Classes, or a collection of Skills with access to Special Abilities and Stat modifiers. For example, Fate uses Aspects. These are just simple little phrases or facts about my character, the setting, or whatever, right? And these Aspects affect the game. Queerz!, is another game that uses a similar mechanic, known as Tags. But there’s a problem here. Often, I feel overwhelmed by the limitless freedom. I need guardrails. Part of the beauty of GURPS is that it’s also considered a Modular game. It presents everything in small pieces, and you only take what you need. Granted, the core book (two actually) are over 300 pages a piece, but they present everything you could typically need to begin role playing. And if that’s not enough, there’s over 200 separate expansion books that detail everything from magic and low-tech world building to nano-technology, constructing space ships, and creating galactic empires.

Reinventing the Wheel…

And now I’m re-creating a favorite character concept of mine. Miss Lindsey Shadowstorm, originally from the game ShadowRun (Fourth Edition) was an unhinged bitch, to put it mildly. Part Weapon Master, part Bomb Specialist, part Covert-Ops, part Martial Artist, she was deadly serious, uncouth as people come, and a pipsqueak. Because when I saw Neoteny, I was like, yes. The Cherry on Top of the Cake! So here’s this leather-clad, pigtail doting, Heavy-weapon Spy walking around Seattle with a pair of Uzis, but doesn’t look a day over twelve. Yeah, she’s totally unhinged, and the Ageism is the perfect prejudice that would make her totally rude and crude. She’s tired of the harassment and chose to do something about it.

However, GURPS doesn’t have Qualities such as Uncouth and Neoteny, or even Mood Hair— at least not known as by those names. I’ve discovered it really makes learning a new system easier if you try to recreate a character concept using the new guidelines. This forces you to really look deep down at all the variants and options to see if you can do the thing. Needless to say, I was able to find similar Disadvantages (and Advantages) for Lindsey’s recreation. But, GURPS offers things that ShadowRun couldn’t possibly consider, and I got really excited by these new offerings.

Jumper. This Advantage comes in a couple different flavors, but essentially it allows a character to Jump through time. I can move backwards or forwards though time, much like how somebody with teleportation can change locations at will— this can also be done with an optional modifier!. Well, I saw this and I’m like, this could be very interesting! So, I took Lindsey’s original concept, a badass bitch, and propelled her waaaaay into the future. 3065. I created an entire new world, that’s under an alien invasion, because why not? And of course, Humanity is loosing. Desperate times call for desperate measures, right? So I figured, a thousand years is, like, a really long time for technology to develop. We’re already messing with genetics today. Imagine the possibilities of Corporate Greed going on for another thousand years. (Goddess, help us all.)

While messing with Lindsey’s genes, they also managed to fuse her with a house cat. This is only because I adore the playfulness that cat-girls offer. A very anime-centric trope. And all this mucking around with her biology could cause some complications, and would give her the Jumper ability that I want her to so badly have. And to top her craziness off, one of the Limitation to the Jumper ability is the option to Jump naked— meaning you can’t bring anything with you. Because if she were able to bring a Disintegration Rifle back to 2025 with her, all hell would break loose, wouldn’t it? And we can’t have that. And because I’m a Character Sadist, yes, poor Lindsey is going to suffer from humiliation and embarrassment. But this only adds to her Uncouthness (which GURPS calls Callous)!

But Can I Do the Thing?!

Oh, but don’t worry, I’m still going to be creating my own game system. Like I said above, I’ve got ideas! But one benefit to learning GURPS and playing it, is that it’s an old game system. It’s been out for well over three decades, so there’s an established player base. Maybe I’ll be able to find at least one other player who’s as crazy as I am, and we can zoom around the Milky Way causing all sorts of chaos!

Yeah, I’m still over at my new and improved forum stirring up trouble. Stop on by sometime and let’s chat. I’ll even pour ya a coffee.

And I know that I created an entire subsection here, just to say these two things, but really they don’t fit anywhere above here. After all, this is the end of the article. So why are you still reading this junk anyway?

I was doom scrolling earlier, as one does, and ran across this interesting question. Usually, I don’t bother with such comments on this particular platform, but something itched deep down, almost like a deep burning sensation in my bones, urging me, no, pleading with me. I must respond to this. Okay, universe. I’ll bite. Perhaps there is something to unpack here. Anyway, the question was something like the following (I’m paraphrasing it, because I’m too tired to go find it again).

If you woke up tomorrow morning, back in the 1990’s— any time in during the 90s, realizing that the last 35 years was nothing more than a dream, what would you do?

To be honest, I sat in solitude for a good five minutes while I contemplated exactly what day I would wake up on, and after a fair bit of introspection, and perhaps some reflection upon my life to date, I came up with an answer. But first, I had to write a proper introduction. It went something like this:

My life went from an ordinary crappy life as a kid in 1989 to utter shit during the 1990’s. You see, 1989 was the year my step-mother, otherwise known as the Wicked Witch of the Who-the-Fuck-Cares-Anyway married my father. December 27, 1989 changed my life. I went from being the miracle child to an abomination. My father told me one day the only reason he married her was “because the sex is good and she knows how to cook, and if you can’t like her, then I’ll send you off somewhere.” (He may have said that last part, I don’t really remember all that well, I was like 12 or 13 at the time.) And as for my step-mother…

First she sent me to summer camp in nowhere, Wisconsin. But I guess I had too much fun there, because the following year, I went to a Baptist boarding school in Buttfuck, Egypt, Tennessee. There was nothing for 45 minutes in any direction. It felt like a penal colony, and yes, they still had punishments that involved a wooden paddle with holes drilled into it. It was there that I experienced my first fist fight. I lost. I remember, there was a huge deal because one kid actually hung himself. When my dad came down to pick me up, he told me in the car that I’ll “never be coming back to this place— it’s for juvenile delinquents”. I’m glad he saw the three months of horror I survived in only ten minutes from the sanctuary of his drivers seat, because my entire high school career changed from that decision.

Each year during the summer break, while my peers were doing whatever they got to enjoy, I was studying in one form of summer school or another. My step-mother’s drive to push me out of the house was my additional stress to over-perform. I graduated from high school in three years. The best time of your life! Squandered. And in those three years, not one date, and friends whom have long since forgotten about me.

She (my step-mother), harassed me into joining the Air Force. “It’s the only way you’ll get into college.” And the way she said it, burns like acid searing bare skin. Nothing I could ever do was close enough to be good. Always the failure, I was. I looked forward to my new life in the military, but truth be told, I barely passed. In fact, the only reason I made it through Basic Training was because of my Flight (the people you slept with in a big dormitory during Basic Training). I can’t be proud of accomplishing that, because I was literally carried through. And I know it. I should have failed. Maybe my life would have turned out differently had the truth prevailed.

Anyway, to cut a very long and boring story short, my time in the military wasn’t a very good one. And I wasn’t a very good soldier either. I can tell you, that I’m no threat to anybody, because I couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn if my life depended on it. (Ask my Training Instructor about the fact that my target had two holes in it, while my neighbor had 78. A standard magazine for an M-16 holds 40 shots.) As I was saying, I sucked at being military brat, and my life fell down a dark pit early on. I’m no stranger to incarceration. As as hard as I try to be a good girl, I’m just not good enough. Ever.

So to answer the question above, after taking a brief stroll down this yucky memory… lane, thing. I’d choose to wake up in 1995, January 31, and I’d kill myself instead. Because living as somebody unwanted is truly an undesirable curse. … Maybe it’s a good think time travel doesn’t exist. Because I’ll never have to worry about ever waking up again on January 31, 1995.

Well, today was certainly a day filled with some humor for a change, at least on my local level. I can’t say it started with… because all this happened fairly late in the afternoon.

The first item on my HaHa list was just before I was going to call over the walkie-talkie for some assistence in another department. One of my co-workers came on and asked the following:

“Jason, Jason, what’s your location?”

“Not in my bed. Over in aisle nine.”

Keep in mind that I was standing in front of a register with several customers there too. I had to step away and duck into an office because I couldn’t contain my laughter. But this gets better. Not more than a few minutes later, a customer comes up to the front desk and asks if a phone was turned in. My co-worker [redacted], said yes. A moment later, she comes out of the office and hands the customer his phone. She requests that he can prove it’s his by unlocking it. I happened to be glancing in that direction, because ordinarily, I avert my eye-gaze from reading pins and passwords. This man literally typed in:

1-1-1-1-1…

No. Who in the hell does that!? After he walks away, I quietly said this to my coworker, and she blushes and giggles.

“I do.”

“No way!”, I countered. She’s got to be kidding with me, right? So she pulls out her phone, and types in,

1-1-1-1-…

I completely lost it.

“Oh my god!” I said a bit too loudly and very loudly broke into a fit of giggles.

So that was my quick moment of humor, that will probably last me for the next week. At least one co-worker got the “my luggage” reference. Anyway, sorry this post was so short, but I thought it would be a nice change from all the political rampaging that we’re constantly flooded with.

Living within the United States is absolutely disgusting. And if you’re one of the over 300 million residents, then you’ll probably agree with me. Unless, of course, you’re one of the top 1% of the population. But why, why do I say living here in this Hell is disgusting? Pull up a chair, and I’ll tell you a story about today’s adventure!

For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been living in agony. I have at least one, if not two teeth that probably need to be extracted. Last week on my day off, I called around, looking for dentists in my area that can handle a same-day extraction. (Having lost several teeth due to my previous life while under incarceration, care of your generous tax payer dollars, I’m well familiar with this process.) Anyway, after several phone calls, I found such a place within walking distance of my home. This is important, because I don’t own a car, nor possess a driver’s license. I also have no friends nor family to call upon in my time of need. But that’s beside the point.

So I scheduled the appointment, and walked in. A mere half mile, about 15 minutes, I was seen by a dentist. And I’m guessing as a new patient, she took all kinds of cool pictures of the insides of my mouth. Lots of x-rays too. Half an hour later, she comes back to me and states that there is considerable damage to my teeth, and it will cost slightly over $17,000 to fix everything. My insurance, that I just received this year, only covers $1,000, and only between 50% and 80% of the cost. She scheduled a dental cleaning.

I’m a little confused as to why only a cleaning was scheduled, but I didn’t think too much about it. I mean, it’s probably a good idea to start with a strong foundation, and to clear away five years of neglected dental care, a cleaning sounds like a great start. Today, was my appointment.

I was slightly concerned about the pain that would be incurred. I have a molar on my left side that erupts in near incapacitating throbbing pain anytime hot or cold substances comes in contact with it. And I have a fang? (I’m not really sure what it’s called) on the top of my mouth that echos randomly in pain, just whenever the hell it feels like singing. To cope, I’ve been swallowing more than my typical dose of 3,200 mg of Ibuprofen daily (for my ongoing plantar fasciitius issue), to nearly 4,800 mg of Ibuprofen and 3,000 mg of Tylenol. I should seriously by stock in these companies.

The cleaning was very mild, and actually fairly pleasant. Only the slightest twinges of pain. This hygienist was an expert! As I’m leaving with my $23 tube of high-concentrated fluoride toothpaste, I inquire about setting up an appointment for my tooth pain. The receptionist had nothing regarding it.

What?

So after a few moments he gets back to me with a projected bill summary. Nearly $2,000 and that’s just for one tooth, my molar. Remember, up to $1,000 will be covered by my insurance. But that’s it for the year. I have at least two teeth that are sending discomfort. Payment of half is required at the time of the appointment, the balance is due within two weeks. I have about five dollars in my checking account (after the toothpaste—that I had to transfer some of my rent money to cover!), and zero in my saving account. I have a credit card balance of $297 out of $300, and $25 is due by the 20th. Somehow. I now don’t even have half of my rent stored for June’s payment. I still need to pay for laundry tonight.

So, what does this mean? Obviously, I’ll continue to trash my liver and kidneys with over the counter pain killers, until one day, I kick the proverbial bucket— or I end up getting sepsis or whatever it is from my rotten teeth. Although, I’m not convinced it’s quite that serious, since it doesn’t appear that I have an infection, just yet.

People on other various social media sites have been screaming at me, “Go to the Emergency room.” or “Get Credit Care”. That might be doable for them, but with my rent consuming slightly over 86% of my income, I have no free time to pick up a second income (assuming I can even get hired in this economy), because my commute just to get to work is nearly two hours in one direction. I simply can’t afford the additional payments, and it would be a one time Hail Mary. I won’t be able to get the help again if something truly serious were to come up.

Anyway, that was my adventure. Today’s mission status:

… FAILED.

I’m going through a crisis right now. And instead of moping around in a bunch of depressive funk in my empty brain, I’ve decided to put down on paper what I’m thinking. What I’m feeling. But first a little bit of backstory.

I sit here and attempt to enjoy this first cup of coffee this morning. It’s not too sweet— just the correct amount of bitterness, to match my emotional state. Honestly, I’m frustrated and depressed. I’ve talked myself out of walking into the kitchen and grabbing a steak knife several times already. Thank the Universe for hot water, and not wanting to make a mess that somebody else would have to inevitably need to clean up. I won’t do that to someone else.

I’m being sued. A few years ago, back when I first moved to Boston (involuntarily, I might add, courtesy of our US Government), I had settled into a routine. I was renting a bedroom for only $1,100 a month. It was nice. Only a fourteen minute walk to work (two minutes via bicycle, assuming I hit all green lights), and my landlord/friend was a kind person. I had the goal of home ownership, like many other people do. You know, follow that good ole American Dream, right? I decided that I needed to build up my non-existent credit. (One problem that nobody tells you, that if you’re “out of the system” for too long, you have to start all over again. Being trans, I had changed my name fully, and had completely transitioned into my new social role. I truly was starting life all over again. New town, new friends, new rules, new everything!

Anyway, I applied for some credit cards. I failed. Not one acceptance. But then I discovered the Secured Credit Card, and allocated $300 towards one from my bank. It’s not the best rate I’ve ever had, but it’s not horrid either. I’m making pretty good money at around $16/hour. With all the overtime that I’m able to work, I’m pulling in close to $2,600 net pay every month. I get an offer from Credit One for a $2,000 card. And I’m accepted. At 34% interest, I think it was? No problem. I’ve got the money coming in. Furthermore, I had recently met my fiancee and she was to move in with me, helping me to pay some of my rent (as it increased to $1,700 / month).

But, as fate would have it, this didn’t last. After about three months, one early morning as I was getting ready for work, my landlord/friend who had been drinking the night before with some company, got all in my face, and decided that I was no longer welcome. Money wasn’t the problem, in fact, I had an overbalance with her at the time. No, the problem was that I was “in the way”, despite walking on eggshells all the time.

It took about a month, but my fiancee and I found a place. Actually, I can’t take any credit here. She found our current residence. For only $1,650 a month, so we’re saving a little bit of money. But now I have to commute via the subway and bus— a trip that takes between an hour and two hours depending if I make all my connections without having to wait. There goes all my overtime.

To complicate matters, I’ve developed plantar fasciitius in not one foot, but both feet. To tolerate the pain, I ingest 3,200 mg of Ibuprofen and 3,000 mg of Tylenol every day. The pain never goes away. So, I also had to cut back to working only five days a week instead of the six I was working. So, since March 2023, I’ve been making about $1,900 a month (net). My fiancee has SSI, and until October of last year was bringing in just under $1,000. This worked. Barely.

Now comes the emotional download. My fiancee only receives $56 a month now. I’ve been looking for higher paying jobs, closer to home, and hopefully a desk job, so my feet can heal, but without luck. And now on top of all the bullshit going on politically in my homeland (the Land of the Free), I’m being sued by the aforementioned creditor. I learned that I could receive a judgement of a wage garnishment of up to 25%. That’s nearly $300 some-odd dollars a month that I absolutely can not afford. I’m now facing homelessness. Our job market is complete toast— or I’m totally unemployable, one of the two. I just discovered that my health insurance (by Massachusetts) has been suspended because I can’t afford to pay the $35 for it, so I’m going to be going on an emotional roller coaster over the next few weeks without my medications (I experienced this last year in February because I made just a little too much income and lost Mass Health— so I know what’s coming, and it’s not good.) I don’t have any other expenses that I can cut. We’ve barely got enough for my bus pass for May. I’m freaking out.

By June or July, I could be evicted. I’ll survive. I survived prison and the military. I can survive the street for a little while, at least until winter, then I’ll probably not make it. But my fiancee, she’s partially disabled, and has nowhere to go either. She also lacks the endurance that I have and has physical medical conditions that inhibit her movements. I’m truly worried about her.

We have a government that’s gone all out fascist, and I’m sick of seeing it everywhere I turn. The country’s on fire, and it seems that the powers that be are just letting the entire place burn down.

And I’m having an existential crisis about life itself right now. Is there an afterlife? Heaven? Hell? Aliens? Consequences?

No. Probably none of the above. It’s all made up. Stories told to us by the Elite to keep us, the workers, the slaves, pacified, to keep us working, behaving, obeying their commands. It’s to give us all hope that something better will come.

• You be a good person, you go to heaven, live a life of pure pleasure. Bullshit.

• You do wicked things, molest children, kill people. You go to hell. Do they? Really? Bullshit. Priests actions showed me this lie.

• Aliens are watching us, they’re going to come, to help us out of our mess? No. The Black Plague happened, and nobody came. World War one and two happened, no body came. Three will happen, and still nothing will happen. There is nobody coming to save us.

• Not even God himself will save people. Because God doesn’t exist. Not out there. He’s— it, is inside of our collective hearts, and we’re too goddamned divided to witness any of that power.

So, what’s the point of Life? It’s mostly just bitterness with some happiness sprinkled on top. Pandora’s Hope, is just the crusty bullshit stuck to the bottom of the jar— impossible to get out, that’s why it didn’t flee the Jar when Pandora opened it.

I feel a little better now, but I’m still frustrated that nothing I do will truly matter to anybody or anything. Maybe I’ve finally just reached the stage of burnout on life itself.

I know, I know. I’ve been missing in action for a couple of months. I had to take a break from the constant barrage of political crap that’s being flung around everywhere I look, everywhere on social media, SubStack included. So, to give you all a brief glance into the life of a real-life magical girl, I thought I’d let you peek inside my private dwelling space (of my mind, not my room!) so you can see what I’ve been up to lately. Most people are going to stop reading here, because, honestly… who cares, right? Well, you do! Right? RIGHT?!

I took a step back and focused on a passion that I’ve had for over twenty years. Foruming. (I guess I just made a new word. Awesome. $0.05 please!) Anyway, I’ve worked quite a bit on my own little anime, role playing, fan fiction, creative writing community (of like one member, me—shameless plug!!!) of adding new themes/skins, content, features (like an arcade), and generally reorganizing the site. If you’re interested in checking it out, or perhaps becoming a free member to my ultra secret otaku hangout fan-club, well, the link is here. I’ve also been digging through the Internet Archive and grabbing all the posts from my first site, Ayeka’s Bliss (may she rest in piece) — (Yes, I know it’s misspelled, on purpose! LOL) So, until I figure out a way to clean up the mess when I’m finished resurrecting the dead, there’s a lot of posts from like 2006 showing up as Recent. Just … deal with it!

I also recently started playing with a new piece of software, known as Scrivener, and I have to say, although I purchased this a very long time ago, it’s sat on my hard drive for months collecting dust— like the pile of digital anime I downloaded years ago, but that’s beside the point, anyway, it’s turning out to be the best $59 I ever spent. I discovered that I don’t need to plan out my fictions with an old fashioned outline like I used to do in school. Instead, I can create Scenes using Note Cards. Whenever I have an idea for a scene, I can write a little synopsis describing what I want to write, and then I can just go to town and write (apparently I’m always been more of a panster style of writer). It creates the outline for me, and I can rearrange the Note Cards and it connects these scraps together into a cohesive story! Obviously, I still need to write out the connection bits between scenes, but I’m finding that’s a lot easier than trying to draft an entire outline before I begin writing—and then the characters will drag me away from my outline anyway as they end up writing the story. Does that happen to any of you? Probably not. But then again, I am crazy.

Why did I bring up Scrivener in the first place? Because I’m writing yet another fan fiction! I just can’t seem to get away from the fanfic scene, despite having my own original story that I should be working on. Anyway, I digress. So, I’ve got three Magical Girls. My main protagonist, Fate Testarossa from Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha (whom I’ll write in the first person perspective, as I always enjoy to), Skuld from Ah! My Goddess, although, she’s not truly a magical girl, is she? Eh, who cares. And Sasami from Magical Project S, a spinoff of the Tenchi Muyo! franchise. She debuted in Tenchi Universe Time and Space Adventures. Anyway, these three girls will have to work together to save the Universe from the erasure of Magic itself, the possibility of reality being rewritten by a rogue computer subroutine, while trying to undo the PANTIES system trapping them there, and enduring the chaos and absolute madness within the realm of Excel Saga and the world domination plans of ACROSS— okay, city domination.

All of this awesome plotness because I wanted a cool forum signature graphic… Goddess, I’m such a pathetic loser! LOL Anyway, I had to do some research. This involved watching every episode of Magical Project S and Excel Saga (again), and as more time passes between having some free time to sit and actually write, the more I’m brainstorming crazy plot points, like inserting other characters into this story, like Ranma and even the Sailor Senshi. I did mention I’m crazy. And I’ve already developed a significant outline of scenes within Scrivener. The best $59 bucks I spent! I just wish it worked on my Android.

Even writing this article, I’m realizing that my true passion in this God-forsaken world is to be a fiction writer. Maybe not even a good one, but just somebody who entertains others with my creativity. It’s a shame you can’t earn money by writing fan fiction— at least enough to cover the basic cost of living expenses. Oh well. I can dream about the possibility of Universal Basic Income being developed and rolled out to the Ignorant Masses (as Il Palazzo claims), I know I seem to be one, anyway. Until that day, I’ll continue to slave away at the cash register two hours away from home for the majority of my productive hours.

Well, back to brainstorming I go!

As I sit here, dwelling in utter sadness, feelings of inadequacy and miserable accompaniment of stupidity, I realize there is always that one option that nobody ever truly talks about. I think today, I’ve had absolutely enough. I literally can not take this shit anymore. I’ve tried. I’ve really tried to play by all the rules, believed all the bullshit promises, lies, misinformation, propaganda. But I just can’t anymore. I walk to the back room, that frozen cold room, and in that emptiness I fidget with my keys to unlock the closet door. It’s frozen over with an inch of ice, but I do manage to pull just hard enough not to rip the doorknob out of it’s fitting. Flipping on the light, and scan the tight space for that one ancient cardboard box. The one with duct tape on it, and scribbled with archaic words that seem meaningless right now.. I tear open the box, and inside is a single typed piece of paper. Skimming down to the fifth or so paragraph, I begin to read, tears blurring my vision.

Cancellation and Revocation of Living Status:

I hereby acknowledge and affirm that I retain the right to terminate my living status at any time, for any reason, at my sole discretion. By exercising this right of cancellation, I fully understand and accept that I will relinquish any remaining life force and forfeit any future experiences that would otherwise have been available to me. I further acknowledge that this decision may impose significant emotional, psychological, and practical burdens on individuals who have voluntarily participated in my life experience, including but not limited to family, friends, and other members of my social or professional circles.

I affirm that any decision to invoke this cancellation procedure is made of my own free will, without coercion, duress, or undue influence, and only after careful consideration of my personal experience goals. I accept full and sole responsibility for the consequences of this action, including any pain, suffering, or emotional distress that may be experienced by others as a result of my decision. I expressly waive any right to hold any other individual, entity, or collective responsible for such outcomes.

I understand and agree that this action is irrevocable, permanent, and absolute, and that it extinguishes any possibility of future living experiences. By proceeding with this cancellation, I acknowledge that I am knowingly and voluntarily surrendering all rights, claims, and opportunities associated with continued existence.

It’s been one of those really hard days when I feel that I’m not enough, that I’m exhausted, and that I fail at everything I attempt… that I’m not good enough in anybody eyes. And that’s on top of all the other crap going on around me that doesn’t specifically involve me right now. Politics. Hatred. Loneliness.

I will admit, I do feel better having written, getting these thoughts out of my head and on to paper, but I’m still in a pretty dark place right now.

But will I invoke the Cancellation protocol? Probably not anytime soon. But it’s somewhat comforting knowing that it’s there as an option. Forty-nine years is a long time to struggle. And I wonder, will my life ever become any easier. or is Life just one big suffering pain chain after another? Why the fuck do we volunteer for this crap?