I’ve been looking for another job since 2021, and have been dealing with not only chronic burnout but also chronic plantar fasciitis that has developed in both of my feet since April 2023. I’ve tried pretty much all of the major job boards, including some new ones that I’ve discovered on various Reddit forums. LinkedIn has turned into a cringe clique club, Indeed seems to spawn nothing but scammers and offer ghost jobs that don’t actually exist. Glassdoor and SimplyHired seem just as useless. If the truth is told, I’ve actually gotten more conversation here on SubStack about employment opportunities than on any of the official job boards. And that got me to thinking. Maybe I should just post my resume here. But, obviously with a twist. I’m going to add my own chaotic anime style of humor to it. So, buckle up Buttercup! Let’s go for a ride! (Let’s also keep an open mind about the lack of formatting options here…)
Professional Summary: Experienced Blame Acceptance Specialist and Customer Negotiations Expert with over 30 years of quality dedicated technical expertise working in various fast-paced conditions whom has used analytical problem-solving, adaptability and efficiency skills with a strong track record of optimizing workflows and enhancing customer satisfaction.
Qualities and Skills: Scrutinizing of Details, Dependable, Excellent blabbermouth capabilities, Well-timed breathing exercises needed for Patience control. Also easily brainwashed with the ability to put everything in it’s proper space—only to never find it again. Bubbly personality, Racing thoughts, I mean Quick Learning abilities. Responsible (for everybody else’s problems) and Strives for Efficiency. Other critical skills include in-depth Analytical zombie-like Troubleshooting, Playing Monopoly, Cash Handling, Customer Service and Support, emphasized by continually getting screamed at by Karen. Extensive use of Microsoft Office products, to include Squirrel SQL while waiting for Windows to reboot after attempting to resurrect itself from the Blue-Screen-of-Death-loop. Exploration of multiple congruent conspiracy theory rabbit holes, I mean Online Research. Scripting using PHP, BASIC, and other Programming languages. Ten-key operation and Typing at approximately 60 MPH.
Experience:
Headless Chicken (Front-End Supervisor) [Redacted] (2020 - Present)
Hastily processes Karen’s order at checkout, ensuring all items are scanned only one time and accurately.
Routinely gets left alone in the warehouse to complete nightly paperwork, to include calculating cashier errors and customer returns data.
Ensures all dust and micro-particles are sanitized on a daily basis.
Assists all cashiers with product UPCs by running the entire length of the front of the store 80,000 times and shoving a book of barcodes in their face, and turning a key 15,000 times a day, with the occasional customer checks need to be verified for accuracy.
Runs a fine-tooth-comb through customers’ carts before exiting the store, to proudly announce to everybody in the store when a cashier makes a human error.
Chases after customers who attempt to steal items from the store, while yelling obscenities and profanity in the parking lot while avoiding getting run over by dodging cars, trucks and semi-trucks.
Hands new cashiers a scan gun and throws them to the wolves for an entire week long training program, that includes holding their hand the entire time.
Resolves price mismatches between posted signs and customers by screaming at the computer database for being incorrect.
Bonus: Created a special needs database at home on my own time, free of company charge, to track cashier errors and shellfish sales because I’m lazy and want to get home at decent hour every night.
Wretched Slave (Warehouse Administrative Clerk) [Redacted] (2012 - 2020)
Scribbled down notes about outstanding performance of team members, recommending potential bonus pay.
Cataloged all cleaning supplies, and organized the supply closet by color of liquid.
Ordered weekly ingredient supplies to provide for over 1,200 personnel.
Scrubbed all food surfaces using a combination of ketchup and Simple Green, with a special toothbrush.
Played Musical Stock Room with each new incoming shipment. Rotated expiring foodstuffs to the front, new stuff in the far back, ensuring that the incoming delivery was stalled for hours instead of minutes. Sometimes a mellow jazz instrumental was played in the background.
Bonus: Routinely praised for being the best Coffee Bitch by fellow staff members for providing the highest quality of brewed coffee.
Glorified Ferret (Item Retrieval Specialist) [Redacted] (2011 - 2012)
Played hide-and-seek with various auto parts, some as small as spark plugs and AAAA batteries (yes, there is such a thing), others as large as semi-truck wheel rims.
Sorted and restocked unwanted inventory from customers who found better stuff, cheaper at NAPA or Auto Zone.
The Leather-man, Multipurpose-All-In-One-Tool (Service Specialist) [Redacted] (2010 - 2011)
Configured and administered both the internal network and company website for my boss who was too cheap to hire somebody competent.
Planned logistics for delivery of customers’ goods.
Processed customers’ invoices for delivery services. (Also designed the invoice forms using QuickBooks software.)
Drove from Home Base to Timbuktu without being compensated for fuel, wear and tear, or food and lodging, to pick-up human eyeballs from one airport terminal to deliver them to another airport terminal. Although, driving a box truck through downtown New York City during rush hour is an unforgettable experience.
Lone Geek (Computer Repair Technician & CEO) [Redacted] (2008 - 2010)
Diagnosed viruses and other malware from computers because customers who were surfing porn and Googling other nefarious sites.
Analyzed and recommended state-of-the-art computer components, indicating them with fancy terminology to ensure customers got only the greatest upgrades on the market based on the customers’ computing needs.
Constantly swore at Microsoft Windows for crashing to a Blue Screen of Death while in the middle of a Windows installation because it got all in its feelings and became jealous upon discovering a version of Slackware Linux residing on the hard drive.
Blame Acceptance Specialist (Senior Software Support Technician) [Redacted] (1999-2007)
Installed and configured extremely complicated and undocumented software onto Hospital Server Networks that often turned into a week-long project for new clients.
Maintained dozens of dedicated service level agreement accounts ensuring the office gossip weblog is continuously updated with all the juicy details of our Bored Housewives drama.
Provided comprehensive software and computer training for new clients, often which included answering the same five questions over and over again, such as “How to turn on a modem?”. Also provided a complimentary keyboard cleaning service to remove the massive carpet of cat hair from underneath the keys of users keyboards.
Resolved conflicting software issues via phone and remote connection, sometimes including making extra money for the company because users would insist their computer’s were possessed. Indeed, the most often used solution offered is to “Reboot the computer.”
Trained new software technicians by throwing them to the wolves without any hints of documentation, because that’s how us old hands had to learn the software. Eventually somebody got around to writing a user manual, unfortunately, it was written for the WordPerfect version of the software and not the Microsoft Word version. But this is only a technicality.
Bonus: Created a software configuration utility to assist technicians in finding typos and blatantly wrong configuration options. Included online documentation. Also developed a unique SQL script for a customer to provide a complicated fortune telling report detailing the date of disk space usage expenditures.
Obviously, the above has been all tongue in cheek, and I’ve highly exaggerated and skewed many aspects about my actual professional resume. However, this is a project that I’ve been wanting to do for a couple of years, only because the job market is so broken right now, especially with over usage of Artificial Intelligence software that rejects most candidates from the collected talent pool for various employers.
I feel that many people who read this will be able to get a good giggle out of the many hardships that tug at us workers on the daily grind. I know this is especially true for any of the following industries that I’ve worked, in: Customer service, Retail, and Warehouse.
I believe that the Age of Employers may be coming to an end, or at the very least be shrinking in the next couple of years. As many companies shrink to more correctly align with the needs of their customers (the people who still have any money to actually spend), I see many people having to resort to self-autonomous ways of earning income. And this is especially true with the incoming administration’s War on the American Economy, because we all know that President Elon wants to purposely crash our economy. Why, I’m not entirely sure, but I’m willing to wager that Cryptocurrency has something to do with it. After all, he’s the richest man on the planet, and is the only one who can truly afford entire BitCoins. He wants it all. Because he’s a narcissist. And I’m getting off on a tangent, so I”ll end here