Near the beginning of this year, 2024, I had the awesome experience of losing my MassHealth coverage. And as a result, I went a month without my normal Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT). And because of recent events that are occurring in the Land of the Free, I’m going to take this experience and share with all of you the cold harsh reality of what de-transitioning feels like.
As the Estrogen was no longer being supplied to my body, I noticed nearly immediately, like after a week, that I was very irritable. Like, I’m sure you’ve known that smoker who’s gone a couple of days without a cigarette? Yeah, multiply that by like a factor of fifty. I was very angry, and full of rage, that I really had a hard time controlling. My co-workers all felt it, and I had to apologize numerous times throughout that roughly 30 days of adventure. Keep this in mind, because back in February , I didn’t have anything to be angry about, unlike recently.
Another intense feeling that I had often was excessive horniness. Now, as somebody who couldn’t be any happier being asexual, even the thoughts of anything sexual, I find disturbing, and unwanted. Starting HRT back in 2016 was a major blessing in my life, and it opened the door to this wonderful, blissful world of non-sex. Finally, I was freed from the constant interruptions of anything lustful that would distract me from whatever tasks I was performing. Fast forward to this previous February though, and I had that damn itch back that I just couldn’t scratch. It was so annoying, and my performance at work suffered because it was so intrusive and distracting. This is the worst feeling about having Testosterone coursing through my bloodstream. That and the super annoying erections came back. You know, Good Morning!!! Come play with me! And, anytime I had to urinate, it would pay me a visit. This is the part that truly sucks about being born as a male.
After about the third week, my nipples began to ache again. A symptom that I thought I had finally passed beyond back in 2017, came back. Even a padded bra didn’t help much to alleviate the painful rubbing. And this royally sucks, working in a warehouse, that fabric constantly rubbing in different directions all day long, with each twisting and bending movement. Yet, I had to remain calm and plaster a smile on my face and greet customers while hastily scanning their purchases through the check out line.
There were also days when I would just start tearing up. Something would rub me the wrong way and all I wanted to do was cry, like sob. Yeah, productivity went down the toilet on those days, because that’s where I found refuge, the only place I could find any solace.
I got to experience a miniature menopause, complete with hot flashes and cold waves that would treble through my body, as if somebody couldn’t make up their mind about whether the light switch should be on or off. Do you remember your father ever yelling at you, “Inside or Out! Make up your damn mind!” That’s what was going on under my shirt all through out the day.
Of course, I was overwhelmingly happy to finally get health insurance again, to purchase my hormones, and syringes, but the effects still took another two weeks to correct themselves again.
But getting back to what I started this article with: Intense anger. Rage. My mind demanded violence, like it craved very physical violence onto anybody or anything that pissed me off. With what’s coming, I’m fearful. Because there was a time when I saw red, just once. I was literally imagining peeling the skin off of another human being, while he was alive after I broke his face. Every word he said, yapping about thinking I was going to die by his hand. I was lucky to have several people who cared about me, right there, to cool down the situation. All because he threatened to step on a cake. Anyway, I fear that I won’t be able to hold back once I’m off my HRT again.
Today, I’ve got reasons to be angry. Nearly 70 million of them. And knowing that once I’m rounded up and headed to a Wellness Farm, I’ll be dead shortly afterward. That’s the benefit of being Trans. History is repeating itself almost verbatim, and knowing that the queer folks were the first ones rounded up, almost gives me a peace of mind. I fear that violence will explode, and take everybody there, with me, on a one-way trip to Hell.