So long, my companion

Well. I tried.

It’s time for me to say good-bye to a piece of my soul. I just can’t do it anymore— it’s not financially feasible. This economy, no amount of budgeting, and I’m out of time. My personal online community forum, dedicated to anime and table top role playing games must close its doors, probably forever this time. And I say this begrudgingly, because I’ve poured my heart and soul into this project, and I’ve finally gotten it off the ground, like six years from it’s reboot. Six. Fucking. Years. There’s people— not many, maybe four or five, that stop by daily to at least feel the pulse of the Site. And I’m super happy about that, despite not having had started an actual game yet, there were a couple being discussed. But I just lack the energy right now, although I’m fixing that by scrutinizing my diet, finding vitamin supplements that will correct my deficiencies. Regardless, this project is coming to an end in five days, because I don’t have the funds to renew my web hosting contract.

Now, I could move to a free host, but I tried doing that the last time I ran out of money. For two months, I played email tag with the host owner in attempting to set up my space. I finally just gave up and coughed up the money to start a new hosting contract with my present provider. However, things are slightly different today versus two years ago.

First, this economy. It sucks. Food is super expensive, AND as I mentioned above, I’m redefining my diet. That’s expensive in and of itself. I need to systematically purge the crap full of Seed Oils and other processed garbage out of my pantry, and replace it with high quality, natural ingredients. Then I need to spend more time and energy making the meals I want from scratch, because I simply cannot trust other places and products not to use inexpensive, literal, garbage to make the same things. Because of our idiotic shitheads in political power, the cost of oil is increasing. And because our entire civilization is powered by oil in some way, shape, or form, the processing and delivery of everything is increasing too. Everything. That means paying more for food. To get to my crappy job that doesn’t pay me enough. To have the ability to flip on the lights, or the stove to cook on, to play five minutes on the computer. My phone and Internet access. And of course, our goddamned insurance (scams) are increasing. And of course, my pay is not increasing at nearly the same level. To point this out, after I’ve taken half the funds for my rent for the month, I only have $45 remaining. That’s all I’ve got to make it through two more weeks. That’s only rent…. correction, half of my rent.

Second, my time. I commute a total of four hours everyday just to get to and back from my crappy Retail job. Four hours where I’m often falling asleep because again, my body lacks the nutrients it needs to run effectively. I don’t have mental energy to creatively thing up of random insane crazy shit on the fly, that makes role playing super fun. I have a mountain of core books, different game systems to learn, let alone master, and then I need to find like-minded people to play and have fun with in a healthy and safe manner. All that takes time that I simply don’t have. Which brings me to my next point.

Third, my job. I work a strange schedule. Saturday through Wednesday. Which means I have the unusual days of Thursday and Friday off. These are my days of relaxation. These are when I’m supposed to create. But I can’t. I don’t have the energy. (Yes, know I keep mentioning this things called Energy. It’s important, yes? I mean, EVERYTHING in this Universe is comprised of it.) The problem, I believe stems from the sheer amount of pain that I must endure just to do my job. At first I thought it was simply a really bad case of Plantar Fascitiis, but now I’m leaning toward Psoratic Arthritis, with a possible onset of Chronic Kidney Disease. Massive doses of Ibuprofen allowed me to function like a somewhat normal human being for a couple of years, but now, I can’t tolerate the poison anymore. So I suffer. That zaps my energy. The constant stress of being overwhelmingly understaffed at my job steals my energy. And a one week-long vacation doesn’t quite do it for me. (I’ve tried, and I guess I’m insane, because I keep trying the same things… I digress.)

Basically, this article is looking more like an excuse post than logical reasoning, and perhaps it is just that. A crappy excuse. I’m heartbroken, because I so desperately want to create worlds and play with characters in bizarre situations, but I don’t have the opportunity to get out and meet people in they physical world— because I’m too fucking busy working all the damn time, making some rich guy more money than he doesn’t know what to do with. So, I created an online community to achieve my desires, and now that’s going to die too.

So, where I do go from here? I could simply stop participating in a hobby, in a community that I adore, that gives me purpose to keep on living. But I foresee a fairly short lifespan if I do that. Mostly because I’m one super determined bitch who refuses to quit anything, and this is part of why I’m feeling heartbroken at the moment, because surrendering my Internet forum to the dust of time is literally me quitting. My other option is to pivot (again) back into the world of creative writing, which is what I may end up ultimately doing. I can still create the worlds and the characters, but I’ll simply have to forego the spontaneity of other living, breathing human beings throwing literal fire-bombs into the plots of my characters.

At any rate, today is a sad day for me.