I’ve been thinking about putting together a business for a while now. I have two missions. The first one, I want to start an anime studio, where I can write fiction, animate those stories and publish them on something like YouTube. But now I have a second plan to work on — To start an publication company (my partner’s dream).
I’ve written three business plans during my life, technically nearly four, but life happened and I wasn’t able to continue with that plan. So, I know what’s required to draft these tombs.
But I have a problem. Although I want to start my own business, I don’t feel inspired to actually do it. I lack motivation. Maybe it’s because I’m, indeed, burned out. I mean, just today, I’ve cried seven times, and it’s not even four o’clock at the time of writing this post. I’m suffering from extreme depression. I agonize waking up tomorrow morning, let alone just going to work. I’m finding it nearly impossible to relax and just enjoy the time I have off and away from work.
Then there’s the additional complications of the political climate. Tariffs are a thing, although, any online service-based business wouldn’t necessarily be affected by whatever Trump decides to implement, unless of course, I were to work on something like hentai, and maybe I need to get a little loose and dirty again. I’ve been walking this razor fine straight and narrow line ever since I was released from custody. Determined to never find myself surrounded by grey walls and concrete blocks and constantly having to look over my shoulder, aware of every movement from every thug in my immediate vicinity.
I think that in lies my problem. I haven’t had a true opportunity to process the deeply buried trauma and to heal from what I’ve experienced. Ever since I was released, it’s been one high alert after another. First it was Covid, and in the midst of that nightmare, I had to navigate an entirely new area, a new city, a new state. I had to literally start completely over with only the dingy, raggedy sweat pants and sweat shirt I was wearing. And not as the man I entered prison as, but as a girl entering society for the first time. So I also had to learn an entirely new social construct. How to behave as a model woman in the city. At a job. Even online through virtual college. Routine things that people take for granted, like figuring out clothing sizes, was a huge challenge for me. I couldn’t just walk into a changing room with five different styles of pants. No, this was Covid. Those were all locked down, unacceptable. Even my shopping opportunities were limited, because moving to a new location, I was restricted to the halfway house, and I had to adhere to all those rules. Again, no time to process what I’ve been through.
I’ve worked my job going on five years this year. Dedicated, loyal, responsible. In fact, I’m one of the few of my fellow co-workers who is responsible. I always ensure everything gets completed before I leave. And I realized something the other day. It was a Wednesday, I think. Despite all the good qualities about my work ethic and no matter how responsible I am, I will never be able to be a manager. Supervisor is the highest rank I will ever obtain. Why? Because all the managers have access to the Cash Room. I can’t pass the required background check. I will never have the opportunity to ascend any higher into a leadership role, no matter how good I am.
Yet another reason to start my own business. If I’m the one writing the rules, then I' can certainly ensure that I can abide by them. But starting a business is a lot of hard work. And contrary to the way most people see owning your own business, where eventually after a lot of hard work, you’ll be the boss, sitting back, with your feat propped up on your desk, just collecting a dividend check. No, I plan on starting a Workers Collaborative, where all the profits are equally shared among all the workers. I can’t help it, it’s the Communist in my. I am a Libra after all.
But starting the actual business, that takes money. Money I don’t have, and currently, it doesn’t look like I’ll ever have access to. People are getting more poor by the day, while wealthy parasites are getting richer, and they certainly don’t care about little people like myself. To them, I’m nothing more than a pesky cockroach. So the question becomes, how does an Average Jane, like me, raise enough money to start a business in 2025? I can already tell you that Investors in general would not be interested in funding the start-up of a Workers Collective. There’s zero profit for them to extract. Another alternative would be to find some other people who would be interested in working in my anime studio, but, they’d need to have some money to put into the start up costs of the company to get it off the ground. That’s probably not going to happen either. I can try something like KickStarter, but those funds will only be released if the project meets it’s goal, so I’d need to set it as low as possible, but I at the same time, I’d need to have something to show my contributors on KickStarter quickly. People in 2025 are fairly impatient. Gee, thanks social media.
And maybe this is why I’m so freakin’ depressed right now. Starting a business in 2025 isn’t like how it was in 2010, the last business I started. Things seem so much more complicated today. And despite all the Internet options available, the opportunities seem to be lacking because of the general state of people’s discretionary funds. And I still have to go to work tomorrow morning. Which sucks all the energy out of my very being. I’m already feeling like a Zombie, and I still have a few hours before I need to go to bed, so that I can be adequately rested up and put on that glorious, sparkling fake smile tomorrow and deal with irate customers and sore feet from standing all day. Did I mention I’m having to resort to consuming Ibuprofen even on my days off now, because the pain is so severe I can’t function without the pain killers? At this rate, within six months, I won’t be able to walk any more, and then I’ll find myself and my partner totally homeless.
I don’t have anybody I can lean on. I have no friends, besides my disabled partner, my fiancee. And I don’t have the time to invest in finding friends. It really sucks never having Saturday or Sunday off, because my social life is still at zero, even after five years of living in Boston. Maybe if I had a friend, I could lay on their couch and curl up into a ball and cry my soul out. Maybe I just need a good old fashioned pampering. But who’s got the time in this economy? And it’s only going to get worse. I’m honestly not sure how much longer I can keep up the determination to keep moving forward. I feel myself stumbling, as though I’m intoxicated or drunk, maybe both (even though these two words mean exactly the same thing!)
Anyway, starting a business. Yeah. I’ve got a lot of work ahead of me, and like zero motivation to write the first words of the plan. Yup. I think I’m doomed.